The Daily Lives of Odd Home Mates
by KingKagura
Summary: This is the story of 7 men under one roof as home mates. This story is carried from AO3! On AO3 I also have pictures and on my deviantart: anime-luvrHES!
1. Spring May Bring Beginnings, But Those--

**Hello! This is KingKagura! This is my Gintama story about 7 Housemates!**

 **YES, this story is HijiGin.**

 **Yes, this story is Takazura.**

 **YES, I love OkiKagu! OkiKagu for life 3**

 **Anyways, please enjoy!~**

* * *

 _Spring is said to be the season of new beginnings._

 _The blossoming sakura which fall gracefully, after blooming beautifully, signals the change._

Which brings me here—standing in front of Kondo-san's home. **No.** More accurately, his home he is sharing.

 **Let's rewind a bit.**

"Hijikata-san—"called my ex-roommate, Okita Sougo, with his usual flat tone.

I have been living with Sougo since he was in his last year of junior high, when he moved here, to the city. But, let's not go into further detail about that. Anyways, I respond after taking a drag from the cigarette resting in my mouth, "What?"

"I'm moving out."

I drop the cigarette in my mouth and blink at the brunette. _Huh? Huh? What? What is this situation? Moving out? How does this child even plan to sustain himself?_

"Your thoughts are really clear, Hijikata-san~" Sougo stated, "Plus I don't think I count as a child anymore! After all, I'm already in college and am an intern cop."

"So what? You are still a kid to me." I waved off his statement.

Sougo's red eyes shine as he glares daggers at me. " Hijikata go die you bastard." He walked over to where I sat on the couch and sat next to me. "I'll be living in the college dorms from now on." He points to his duffel bag of stuff. "I've already moved all my other stuff over there."

"Good. Hurry up and leave"

The teen next to me rose from the couch and makes his way to his suitcase. Only to stop abruptly. "Oh! I forgot that I needed to give you something." He dug through his pockets, "I talked to the apartment owner the other day… Ah, found it!" He takes out a crumpled ball of paper and chucks it at me.

"Hey!" I glared at him, then shifted my eyes to the ball of paper. I sighed as I unraveled the damn thing.

Meanwhile. Sougo had traveled to the door, his duffel bag on his shoulders. He unlocks the door and swings the opposing metal open. Then, he turns around to face me and enjoy my irritation. His face distorts into a sadistic smirk. "Have fun finding a new home in three days, Hijikata-san~" He slams the door behind him, leaving me to the notice in my hands.

My shoulders tremble. _H-how-How could he do this—_ The paper I just unraveled is once again crumpled, but this time by my own hand, as I ball my fist tightly in frustration. **_THAT BASTARD SADIST PRINCE!—_**

"And that's what happened, Kondo-san." I sigh, blowing out the smoke from my cigarette, as I take that very cigarette and putting it out in the ashtray. "I swear next time I see that brat, I will kill him."

"Now, now Toshi!" My commander and best friend, Kondo Isao, tries to pacify my anger. "I'm sure Sougo did this for your sake!"

Taking out another cigarette and sticking it between my lips, I raise an eyebrow at the suggestion. "And how so?" I ask before lighting the cancer stick.

"He must have wanted you to move on!" the gorilla-like man beams with optimism. _Yeah right. As if that sadist brat would do something for my benefit!_ Kondo-san continues, "After all, it has been four years since Mitsuba-done has passed on! You need to move on too, Toshi—!"

I smash my freshly lit cigarette into the ashtray, rubbing out the rest of the flame and ash into the metal. Kondo-san jumps at my abrupt action, sweating slightly. I sigh as I pull out another cigarette and light it, taking a drag, and exhaling the smoke. "Anyways, Kondo-san do you know any place I can move into right away? I need to move out in two days."

"Hmmm…" the gorilla thinks out loud. "A place you can move into right away, huh…" He scratches his beard in thought. Suddenly, a light bulb seems to have gone off in his mind. Excitedly, Kondo suggests, "Why don't you come live at my place!"

I blink at Kondo-san. "Your place?"

"Yeah!" Kondo-san exclaims. "Well it is officially my place, but I live with five other guys who help split the cost! They are a weird bunch, but I'm sure you will get along with them Toshi! How about it, Toshi!"

"Uhh…" _Living with Kondo-san is fine, but with five others? I don't think I could do that… But, I don't have many options, plus I don't want to waste Kondo-san's good will…_ "Thanks, Kondo-san."

Kondo grins, "No need to thank me! I will help you move your stuff tomorrow!"

 _At least, now I have a roof over my head…_

"And that's the last of it." I sigh, exhausted from not only a long day of work but also from the strenuous packing I had done. I had just finished packing the last of all my stuff. The furniture that I have been using belonged to the apartment anyways, so there was no need to pack that. But my futon and personal belongings needed to be. I stretch my arms above my head before looking at the time.

 _9:37 huh… I haven't eaten dinner yet, but there aren't many places open at this time… Wait, that place should be open still! I haven't been there for a while too... might as well._ I grab my keys, wallet, and jacket before I left the apartment.

The streets are dark, with only the dim light from the blinking street lamps and the moon brightening the cold spring night. I soon stop in front of a diner and slide the door open like I usually do before walking into the place. The owner was at the counter talking to another man. _Huh? Silver hair?_

The man sitting at the counter has this peculiar silver perm on his head—no he wasn't old at all either—he was actually a rather young man, probably my age. _Did he dye it? Well—who really cares?_ I take a seat at the counter too, catching the attention of the owner.

"Oh, well if it isn't Hijikata-san!" the old man owner greets me. "It's been a while since you've been here! What would you like? The usual?"

"Ahh, yeah. I'll take the usual." I smile at him, before reaching into my pocket for a cigarette. However, all I felt was the cloth of my jacket. _I must have left them back home._ I sigh.

The owner then puts out a bowl in front of the man next to me, and I glance over following his movements. _Wait—is that a bowl of…. Sweat beans…?_ My eye twitches at the horrid display of food, before moving to catch the man's face.

Red. His eyes were a brilliant red.

Though, that didn't change the fact that they looked like the eyes of a dead fish. I watch as he begins to dig into his bowl. _How can he even eat something so gross?!_ He then puts down his chopsticks and turns to look at me. _Damn it, he caught me staring._ I was about to turn away when I heard his voice. "Hey you."I stop turning away and instead turn towards him again. I was about to respond when he continues, "What are you staring at?" Then, he begins to ramble. "Just because you may not like something doesn't mean you can look at people like that. You know? Hasn't your mother taught you that staring is rude?"

 _Ahh—this guy is getting on my nerves!_ Suddenly, a bowl of mayonnaise is placed in front of me, and I smile. I look up at the owner and thank him for the food.

"Oi! And you thought you could judge me! What is **that**?! Dog food? That's dog food isn't it?!" The silver-perm guy sneers at me.

I can feel a vein pop from my head. "What are you calling 'dog food', you bastard?! You're the one eating dog food! I'll have you know, mayonnaise is one of the world's delicacies!"

"'delicacy'?! In what world? I'll have you know, sweets are universal! **Universal**!" that perm-head argues.

"Oh! Is that so? Well, mayonnaise is used worldwide! Not that a perm-head like you could comprehend its amazingness!" I counter.

"Huh?! Did you just make fun of my natural perm? You did, didn't you! It's not like I wanted this perm you straight-haired bastard!"

"Oi! Oi! Is that why you bleached it? So that the curls would fall out?"

The perm head seemed to have taken great offense to the statement. "It may be incomprehensible for you mayora, but believe it or not, this is my natural hair color!" He stuffs his face and finishes his food. Then gets up, hands the money to the owner, and mutters. "Tch. What a drag." Before heading out the door, he waves to the owner as a goodbye.

I huff, still irritated, before finishing my own meal. I couldn't even enjoy it like usual because of that guy. I pay the owner before leaving myself.

All of that happened yesterday, which brings me back here—in front of Kondo-san's house.

"Come on in, Toshi!" Kondo-san welcomes me as he opens the door and carries in two boxes of my stuff. In hand, I have a box and a duffel bag, as I follow the gorilla into his house.

The place was quite nice. From the outside, it is a 2-story tan house with a black roof and a brown door. The lawn was well maintained for a house of all men, and even had a little garden of flowers. Not only did the outside look beautiful, but once walking into the house itself, I observe how neat it is. The front door leads to the living room, where there sits a nice black couch and across from it is a large television which stands against the staircase on a table. Kondo-san points to the hallway below the staircase and next to the tv. "That hallway leads to the bathroom, laundry room, and Zenzou's room. That bathroom is usually taken by Zenzou, but when he isn't using it, you can use it. Oh! Zenzou is one of my housemates, he is a teacher at Gintama High School—you know the one Sougo went to!"

"I see…" _Wait. What does he mean that Zenzou always uses the toilet? What does this Zenzou guy do? Sit on the toilet all day?_ I shake the questions away, not wanting to even know the answers to them.

We continue on the tour and reach our next destination—the kitchen. It was a decent sized kitchen, with the dining room attached to it. Everything was rather clean, and there was even a pot of flowers on the windowsill. Kondo-san also explains, "We all take turns in terms of cooking and cleaning! Today is Takasugi's turn so you don't have to worry about it right now!" I nod in acknowledgment.

Then, we finally move on to climbing the stairs. "Because of many complaints about Zenzou taking up the bathroom, everyone else besides Zenzou lives on the second floor!" Kondo-san laughs. When we reached the top, I notice the design. In front of me is another living room sort of room. There are a couch, a bookshelf and a coffee table that decorate the room. Kondo-san points to the right, where there is another hallway. "In that hallway is my room, Sakamoto's room, and Katsura's room. There is also a bathroom in this hall and the other one to the left." The gorilla man leads me to the hall on the left and put his hand on the knob of the first door to the right. "This is your room, Toshi!" he opens the door to reveal a plain blue room with wooden flooring. There was a desk next to the sole window of the room, positioned so I could look out of it as I sat there. On the left, there was a closet. Kondo-san and I load my stuff into my room before we continued on the tour.

Back outside, in the hallway, Kondo-san points to the door across from my room, "This is the bathroom. There is a shower and a toilet inside. You will be sharing it with the other two occupants of the hall: Takasugi and Gintoki! Gintoki is a teacher at Gintama High too, and Takasugi is a college professor at G University."

"G University? That's the school Sougo goes to." I inform the taller man.

He seems to get excited from that, "Really! Then, I'll ask him to look out for Sougo!"

I shrug, "Kondo-san, that isn't necessary, after all, Sougo was the one who said he was an adult now. Just leave him be."

Kondo gave me a smile and begins to open his mouth when we hear a voice announce. "We're home!"

"Ah, that voice is Katsura's!" Kondo begins to walk towards the stairs, "Come on, Toshi!"

When we make it down the stairs, I notice two other men in the house. One with short, dark purple hair that covered his left eye was sitting on the couch smoking, and the other was a man with long, silky black hair who was hanging his coat on the coat rack. Once I got close enough to them, I noticed the man with dark purple hair wore a white eyepatch on his left eye.

Kondo-san is the first to talk. "Welcome back you two!" He pushes me forward, "This is Toshi—remember when I told you yesterday that my subordinate would be moving in!"

"Oh!" The man with long hair gets closer to me and holds out his hand. "Hello, Toshi! I'm Katsura Kotaro, please call me—"

"Just call him 'Zura'!" a voice from behind Katsura calls out. The eyepatch man is now next to Katsura.

"It's not Zura! It's Katsura!" Katsura corrects the other man.

The eyepatch man ignores him and instead focuses on me, "I'm Takasugi Shinsuke, Nice to meet you, hall mate."

"I'm Hijikata Toshirou. Nice to meet you too."

"Oh?" Kondo questions, "Wasn't Sakamoto with you guys?"

Takasugi laughs, "That annoying guy? We ditched him at some cabaret club."

"Takasugi! Don't lie!" Katsura smacks the shorter man's head. "No, Kondo, Sakamoto actually left on another business trip this morning. He said he won't be back for another four days."

"Oh, is that so. Too bad, I wanted to introduce him to Toshi before he left." Kondo explains dejected. But, then he springs back up to ask, "Then, how about Gintoki? And Zenzou?"

"Gintoki is probably out with Shinpachi-kun and Leader." Katsura nods in acknowledgment. "As for Zenzou…"

Suddenly, the door to the bathroom opens. "I-I'm here…" gasps out a rather lifeless looking man, his light brown hair covers his eyes.

"Hahaha! Are your hemorrhoids still giving you trouble, my friend!" Katsura laughs.

 _Hemorrhoids?!_ As if reading my expression, Takasugi puts out his cigarette and questions me, "So, what do you want for dinner?"

I blink at his sudden question. _Dinner, huh…_ Silver strands, those bored deep red orbs… That annoying expression. _WAIT! Wait a minute! What am I thinking?! HUH!? Y-Yeah! I just need to think about what I want for dinner! Yeah, that's righ—_

"Fried rice!" the abrupt voice of Katsura snaps me out of my thoughts.

Takasugi gets irritated with the long haired man, "Shut up! I wasn't asking you, Zura!" He turns back to me with a look that questioned me again.

 _Maybe I can get along with these guys._

"Fried rice, is good."

I flop onto my futon, exhausted. As it turns out, Takasugi, though he does not look like it, he can make a great fried rice. It tasted like heaven, especially with mayonnaise on top. Kondo-san was right. I could probably get along with everyone just fine. Well, I still need to meet those Sakamoto and Gintoki guys… But from what I heard from everyone else, Gintoki was just like Takasugi which causes them to fight a lot, and Sakamoto is just a really loud guy.

 _Ahh, man. I'm so tired._ My eyes grow hazy as the sleep train was right around the corner.

 **CCcrreeeeaaakkk…** Suddenly, my door opens. I jump up from my bed, at the sound. _What was that!?_

"Takasugi?" I call out to check if it was my hall mate. However, the lack of response told me otherwise.

I gulp as the footsteps get closer and closer. Then it came into view.

Curly silver locks, bright red eyes which seemed to gleam under the moonlight, and that same very bored look.

 _No way. No—No—No—god please no!_ I jump up from my futon to meet the eyes of the trespasser. Both him and I stare at each other with gradual widening eyes. His lips part and slowly become agape. He is as shocked as I am. After all, both of us didn't expect to meet each other like this.

 _Why does it have to be him—?!_


	2. It Is A Family Ritual That Everyone Must

**Here is Chapter 2! I forgot to mention the last chapter that this story is up on AO3 with pictures!**

 **The pictures are also on my deviantart: Anime-luvrHES**

 **Anyways, please enjoy~**

* * *

 _Why does it have to be him—?!_

I begin to sweat. _What is with this situation? Why is it that I'm even in this situation? Oh right! It was because that damn sadist brat decided to sign away my home! Eh? But still, how did it have to come to this? Just why—_ _ **WHY**_ _does my house mate have to be this bastard!?_

Suddenly, the other man mutters, "Tch! Wrong Room!" before his familiar flat voice breaks the awkward silence, "Ahh… Hello, I'm your neighbor, Sakata Gintoki!"

I gulp, unsure of how to respond. _Don't tell me this guy doesn't remember me?! I should test him to make sure._ "Y-you! Don't you remember me?!"

Gintoki blinks his blurry red eyes, "Who? Wait have we met before?" The perm head seems to be thinking for a second before placing one of his fist on his palm, as a sort of light bulb moment. "Ahh—I got it! You're Oogushi-kun! You're Oogushi-kun aren't you! Man—you've grown to be so big after all these years! I barely recognized you! How is your pet goldfish?"

"Who the hell is Oogushi-kun?! My name is Hijikata— **HIJIKATA**!" I shout at the stupid perm. _If he had forgotten, he could've just said so. What's with Oogushi-kun?!_ I am boiling in irritation—now that I think about it, I haven't had a smoke all day… "And how could you forget when we met just last night?! Remember at the diner, you stupid red bean lover!"

"Ahh~ I remember now! You're the mayora from back then!" He then puts his hands in his hair and ruffles it in frustration. "Augh! You've got to be kidding me! I have to share a house with this crazy mayonnaise lover?! How am I going to eat my meals in peace without hurling at the sight of his meals drowning in mayonnaise?!"

I snap, "Shut up you perm bastard! You are one to talk! I should be the one worrying about not eating my meals if I have to look at your gross, unhealthy sweet-filled meals!"

This comment triggers that guy to also snap. "No! You shut up! I can only have one parfait a week because of my damn doctor who says I shouldn't raise my blood sugar anymore! You don't know my pain with your stupid mayonnaise addiction!"

"Then you should just quit eating sweets!"

"Then I would die from low blood sugar!"

Suddenly, the door slams open, which hits Gintoki in the back of his head and makes him fall forward. I, seeing the falling man, use my fast reflexes to catch him—only for the two of us to collapse onto my futon. My heart was beating fast, Gintoki was laying on my chest, and my arms were around the other man's torso as if I were embracing him.

" **Shut up! Some people are trying to sleep he—** re…" Takasugi and I made contact his emerald green eyes meet mine as they widen slightly. He blinks once, twice, and a third time before responding. "Ah. Sorry for disturbing. Please continue." He closes the door softly.

My eyebrow twitches. _He got the wrong idea, didn't he..._

Suddenly, the silver perm head jumps up, getting off me, and turns back to where Takasugi had left. "OI! Takasugi— **wait!** " He runs out the door calling out, "Come back you bastard! This is a misunderstanding!"

I get up, close the door, turn off the light, and hide in my futon. _What will I do?! Takasugi totally got the wrong idea! Well, Gintoki ran after him, so it should be fine right? It should be fine right? Right?!_

Before I knew it, all those thoughts had made me fall asleep. The night had passed and morning arose with the waking sun.

Once I got out of bed that morning, I first checked if anyone was using the bathroom. Thankfully, it wasn't so I climb right into the shower to begin my morning rituals. Once finished, I wrapped a towel around my waste and exit the restroom, heading right into my room which was, conveniently, across the hall. I change into a dark blue-gray shirt and some jeans, then go back to the bathroom to hang the towel. I comb my hair neatly before brushing my teeth.

After finishing with that, I head down the stair into the kitchen. It seems like everyone hasn't woken up yet, so I tried to keep my steps as quiet as possible. When I'd finally reached the kitchen, I am met with the sight of a slim man with shaggy light blonde bangs over his eyes, in an apron, making what seemed to be ham and eggs for breakfast.

"'Morning…" I let out an awkward greeting.

Zenzou turns to me, "Oh! 'Morning! How do you like your eggs?" He turns back to his pan.

I walk over to the fridge and answer, "Medium." I open the fridge, looking for something to drink, but all I find is strawberry milk. _Must be that perm heads…_ I glare at the offending pink and white carton, before backing away and closing the door. "Is there something I can make coffee with?"

Zenzou points to the coffee maker and the beans next to it. "The mugs are in the cabinet above them."

I walk over to where Zenzou points to, "Thanks." And begin preparing the coffee.

After the coffee was finished brewing I pour it into a mug for me before turning to Zenzou. "Do you want some?"

"Yeah, could you put a bit of creamer in it too?"

"All I saw in the fridge was that bastard's strawberry milk."

Zenzou chuckles, "I see you've met Gintoki, huh."

"Yep." I pour a cup for Zenzou then give it to him. I take a sip from my own mug, enjoying the tranquility of the morning. That's when I hear the footsteps coming to the kitchen. Takasugi strides inside but freezes when he makes eye contact with me. I saw this coming, I mean it's natural after seeing what happened last night.

 _I thought that perm bastard cleared everything up.—guess not. Well, then I might as well do it!_

I put down my mug onto the counter behind me. "Takasugi," I sigh and scratch my head. "Umm… listen… about yesterday—"

The shorter man cut me off, "Hijikata can you pour me some coffee?" I blink before getting to the coffee, and he walks over to me. I hand him the cup, and he takes a sip before setting it down. "Thanks."

"Anyways, about yesterday—"

Takasugi cuts in again, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that. Gintoki chased me down to explain. It was partly my fault, so sorry about that."

"That's good." _So that perm head did do it!_

Takasugi continues, "Anyways, that was quite a scandalous image that I probably won't be able to forget about for a while." He chuckles, "I mean if you walked in and saw two men embracing on a futon, what would you think?"

" **Two men embracing on a futon**? What are you two talking about?" Zenzou joins the conversation.

Takasugi explains, "Well, last night, he and Gintoki were arguing." He points at me, "So, I barged into his room, and I find him hugging Gintoki on top of his futon!"

"Oi! Don't make it sound so misleading!"

All of a sudden, a voice at the door practically screams out. " **WHAT?! Toshi was in bed with Gintoki!** "

The three of us turn to the entrance, where Kondo-san and Katsura stood, both still in their pajamas. Kondo-san rushes towards me and puts his hands on my shoulders. "Toshi! You should have told me if you were seeing someone! I was worried for nothing!"

I try to push my clingy friend away, "I'm not seeing anyone! And what do you mean 'worried'?! What is there to be worried about?!"

Then Katsura joins into the conversation, sounding like an overprotective mom. "What did that boy, Gintoki do to you?! Oh, Toshi! I knew I shouldn't have left you with that stupid son of mine!"

"Who the hell is my boyfriend?! And who are you calling 'Toshi'!?"

Suddenly, Katsura is kicked onto the floor. "Who the heck would want to be your son!?" Gintoki kicks Katsura some more, as he rolls on the kitchen floor. "And Takasugi! Stop blabbering and gossiping like a chick bragging about her first time! You know very well that you were the cause of everything! And, Gorilla stop crying, you are annoying!"

"WHY YOU GINTOKI!" Katsura cries from underneath the silver perm's foot, and to get revenge for the beating he received, the long-haired man pulls on the silver perm's foot, successfully tripping him.

That guy struggles to get up, and growls, "Zura…"

Takasugi chuckles at the display as he walks over to them. He peers down on his two friends as if he is better than them. "Oi, aren't you two too old to be playing around?"

Both men on the ground seem to snap from those words as they both reach out for Taksugi's feet and drag him onto the floor with them. "Who do you think you are calling old?! I may look like an adult, but I'm just a kid inside!" the silver perm shouts.

"I never raised you to treat your mother this way!" Katsura shouts in a high-pitched womanly voice.

Takasugi makes an effort to kick Katsura in the head, "Why are you talking like you're my mother!?"

Kondo-san who had now recovered from the shock and sadness rushes over to the three. "Now, now! No more fighting! How are we going to start breakfast like this?!" I feel my eye twitch from the annoying high-pitch, motherly voice he uses. He turns to Zenzou who is placing breakfast on the dining table. "Neh~ Otou-san!~"

Everyone pauses to stare at Zenzou, who raises one arm into the air. "Hello, I'm Otou-san."

 _Ah! I want to hurl! What the heck is this playing house?!_

"Come on, Toshiko dear! Go help Otou-san set up the table!" the gorilla addresses me.

I can feel a vein pop out from my head. "Who the heck is 'Toshiko'?! Why am I the daughter! If anything the daughter should be that long hair over there!" I point at Katsura who had finally stood up along with the other two.

"It's not 'that long hair over there'! It's—" Katsura spins around, making his way to the table next to Zenzou. "Zurako." He bats his eyes and puckers his lips, trying to act like a girl. "Now, now, Otou-san~ Let Zurako handle this!"

I could feel my eyebrow twitching as I hear the laughter of both Takasugi and perm head going wild.

Everyone in this house was crazy, weird, and highly irritating. But even with all the shenanigans, they pull and all the fighting we get into, it all somehow feels…

 _…_ _Warm…_

I watch as everyone gathers around the table, laughing, making jokes, and teasing each other.

 _I don't fit in here…_

 _It just feels like I am barging into someone else's family's dinner table._

 _Everyone is so far away…_

 _…_ _too far for me to reach…_

 _…_ _too far…_

 ** _Just like back then._**

 _"_ _Toshirou!"_

 _"_ _Come on over here, Toshi!"_

 _"_ _Would you join us for dinner, Toushirou-san?"_

 _"_ _Toushirou-san, I love you!"_

 _"_ _Stay away from my sister, Hijikata-san."_

 ** _Yeah… just like that time._**

 **"** **OI! Are you deaf mayonnaise bastard?!"**

I snap out of my thoughts only to meet clear red eyes.

 _They're so beautiful… a deep red…_

A hand is waved in front of my eyes, blocking my view of those beautiful orbs. I finally snap out of my daze, realizing that the owner of those beautiful, scarlet eyes was none other than Sakata Gintoki. I stay silent as I stare into his eyes some more, before deciding to respond.

"What?"

I feel a warm hand embrace my cold one. Gintoki's eyes soften slightly as a warm smile took a hold of his lips.

"Come on, it's time for breakfast. We can't start without you."

Using a little force, he manages to drag me forward before letting go of my hand. My fingers twitch at the lack of warmth that was once there as if it missed the feel of his touch. Then, I feel that same warmth they yearned for on my back, as Gintoki shoved me forward towards the dining table where everyone sat.

There were three chairs left.

A chair for Sakamoto who is on a business trip.

A chair for Gintoki who stands beside me.

 _Then who is that last chair for?_

 _A guest?_

 _An extra?_

"Come on, and have a seat. Your chair is right there." I shift my gaze to where Gintoki pointed to. It was a seat in the middle of the three empty seats.

 _A chair for me…?_

"Ahh! I'm starving!" Gintoki walks in front of me. He turns around to meet my gaze, "Come on, the family won't start breakfast until everyone is at the table!"

 _Family… huh._

 _Am I allowed to be in such a big family?_

 _Or maybe it's because this is such a big family?_

I chuckle at my thoughts. My feet stride forward to my chair, as Gintoki sits down in his own next to Takasugi.

 _Yeah, that sounds about right._

I take my seat at the table, which signals everyone to start chowing down. In front of me is my egg, done medium.

 _This is my family._

"Oi! Someone pass me the mayonnaise!"


	3. Rumors Spread Faster Than A Ninja's Legs

Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

 _It's really Spring…_

 _Man… I will have to start working again…_

 _Ah! I'm tired! Why do I have to sit here? On a park bench? On my day off!?_

 _I could be reading Jump right now! Or watching Ketsuno Ana on tv! Or even—_

"Gin-chan! Gin-chan!"

I look up to where that annoying voice was coming from only to meet bright ocean blue eyes. "What?" Knowing full well who the one speaking is, I place my hand on her face and push her back. "And you're too close!"

Kagura tries to pry my hand off her face, which with her strength, hurts like hell. "Ow! Ow! Gin-chan! You're grip hurts!"

"You're the one talking! I'll let's go okay! Just stop pinching my hand!" I quickly let go of her head to save my poor hand. "Geez! Control your monster strength!"

Kagura sniffles, with her head hung low, "…sorry Gin-chan…"

 _Ahh… geez…_ my right-hand scratches the back of my head as I grumble, "Okay, what do you want?"

The vermillion haired girl instantly brightens and goes straight to the punch, "Gin-chan! I heard from Zura, uh-huh!"

I dug my pinky into my nose. "You heard what?" _What would Zura tell her?_

"Gin-chan is it true you had an affair with your new housemate on his first night?!"

Right when I was about to fling my booger away, it drops by itself after hearing those words.

 _Affair? Huh? What affair? With Oogushi-kun? What does he mean by an affair?_

Then I remembered that night two days ago when I had accidentally stumbled into the mayora's room. I was just really tired from being dragged around by this brat and her imaginary glasses friend. And then we got into an argument, woke up Takasugi, and I got hit by the door.

 _Ahh… right._

After that, I was falling.

Two warm arms embraced me.

And we fell—

 _I was laying on top of him…_

 _Would that even count as an affair?_

"No—no—no no no **NO**! Kagura-chan!" I put my hands on her shoulders. "You should never trust gossip! That is just some gossip Takasugi made up!"

Kagura seems a bit disappointed, "Oh… tch! I thought Gin-chan had finally got laid."

"Oi! Who taught you those words!" I try to change the subject, "Anyways, where is Patsuan?"

"Part time job~" Kagura skips away from me, then turns around. "Come on, Gin-chan! You said you would play with me today!"

I sigh before rising from the bench and walking next to the hyper high school girl. **No—** this is not pedophilia of any sorts! We don't have that sort of relationship! I swear! It's just her bald father left her to me, and now I'm her guardian! That's all! **AGAIN THIS IS NOT PEDOPHILIA!** I may be a young, handsome 25-year-old, but I would never stoop so low as to go out with a high school girl!

Anyways, Kagura and I walk down the sidewalk through the grove of sakura trees.

"Let's go to the parlor. I'm craving for a parfait."

"Hijikata-san~" Sougo calls out to me.

I take a drag from my cigarette. "What?" I exhale the smoke.

"I heard from Kondo-san. Congratulations on losing your virginity!" Sougo claps his hands.

"HUH?! Who lost their virginity?! Plus, I'm not a virgin anyways!"

Sougo blinks. "Really? I didn't think anyone would want to sleep with you after seeing your eating habits. Ah! Wait! You slept with them before you showed them to dinner!" Sougo nods, "I can see why you would be dumped after a one-night stand."

I crush my cigarette into the mobile ashtray. "Besides, what do you mean anyways?"

"Ah, Kondo-san said one of his housemates caught you and another housemate doing the do."

 _Doing the do? With who?_ My mind wanders towards that event two nights prior. _Ahh… with that silver perm..._

 _…_

 ** _HELL NO!_**

"Kondo-san is just spreading gossip. I didn't sleep with anyone." I light another cigarette.

Sougo gives me bored eyes, "Aww… But I already spread the news to all the troops."

"Huh?! Why would you do that!?" I shout at the brunette. "Haven't you ever heard of privacy! **Privacy!** " I was boiling with anger and irritation. _Why do I have to be on patrol with this brat?_

 _Well, because Kondo-san says so, of course,_

I sigh and take another drag from my cigarette. My gaze shifts to the side where there is what looks like a parlor. As my eyes pass by, something catches my attention.

A streak of silver.

I felt my eye twitch. _No—It can't be…_

I quickly turn my head back. _It is!_ There he was, silver perm and everything, digging into a strawberry parfait. Across from him is a younger girl with vermillion hair.

 _Wait! Wait! Wait! What is that?! A date?! Is this pedophilia?!_

I suddenly park the car in the nearest parking space. Sougo looks at me with curious eyes, "Hijikata-san?" I ignore Sougo's question and exit the car. Sougo follows me, curious about my sudden actions.

As soon as I enter the parlor, I walk straight to that silver perm bastard and the vermillion haired girl. Hearing the footsteps, he looks up and makes a "Geh!" sound.

"Oi." I start, "What the hell is this?"

The perm head blinks at me as if he is confused. "What is what? And instead, I should be asking you why you are here Oogushi-kun."

"Don't 'Oogushi-kun' me!" I growl, "And I was on patrol when I saw you—you! With such a young girl, do you not have any morals?"

He blinks once again before getting into a fit of laughter.

"What are you laughing at!?"

"Pff…! You! Hahahahah! Thought I was on a date with this glutton girl! Ahahahahah!" The silver perm head couldn't stop laughing which just pisses me off more and adds to my embarrassment.

Suddenly, a voice comes from beside me, "Yeah 'Oogushi-kun'. You shouldn't be accusing other people like that!" Sougo moves me aside and sits down next to the silver perm.

"Who are you calling 'Oogushi-kun'!"

Sougo ignores me and turns to the silver perm head, "I'm Oogushi-kun's ex-roommate, Okita Sougo. I have a feeling we will get along, Danna."

"Oh! So you are the one who kicked him out!" the silver perm chuckles, "I heard from the gorilla that you are going to college at G Uni! You know, Souichirou-kun, there is a professor by the name Takasugi! I think he is a literature professor or something. But, if you have him or see him, be sure to annoy him. He's just like 'Oogushi-kun' over there, really amusing." He pats Sougo's shoulder before taking another bite from his parfait, then raises his hand towards Sougo.

"Oi! Will you two quit it with the 'Oogushi-kun'! Who is Oogushi-kun?!"

Sougo takes the silver perm's hand and shakes it. "My name is Sougo, Danna, and I take it you are one of Hijikata-san's housemates." Sougo's face suddenly twisted into a sadistic smirk, " **No** — you're the one he had an 'affair' with."

"Oh! So this is the one Gin-chan had an affair with!" the girl finally speaks up. However, her face is really close to mine, as she stands on her tip toes to reach my height. She nods her head with her hand resting under her chin. "At least you have standards with who you choose, Gin-chan. I thought it was some macho gorilla or something."

 **"** **Oi! Would you drop it about the 'affair' already! There was no affair!"** both he and I yell at the two kids.

Sougo walks up from his seat next to perm head and moves to sit next to the girl. He put a hand up, acting like he is whispering to her when he was actually just saying it out loud. "Hey-hey China. Did you hear them, they're so in sync!"

She replies in the same way, "Uh-huh! Just because they slept together once, they have become in sync—aru!"

"Wah~ Gross!" Sougo whispers.

"Right-aru! It makes me want to hurl-aru!" The girl covers her mouth.

The silver perm head's eyes twitch. "Oi, Kagura? What are you doing? Why aren't you listening to Gin-san?" Suddenly, both the girl, whose name is Kagura, and Sougo stand up simultaneously. "Kagura?"

"Sougo?" I question the brunette's sudden action. He looks at me with half-lidded eyes before walking towards me and pulling out something from his breast pocket—handcuffs. I start to back away, but I was too late, as I hear a clink.

I blink. _Eh? He didn't just do what I think he did, did he?_ My thoughts were thrown out the window as I felt the cold smooth metal on my wrist. My eyes travel down the chain of the handcuffs only to see that perm head's right hand was also chained. _He did!_

I quickly look up only to see Sougo's sadistic expression and that China girl's smirk. Sougo digs through my pocket, taking out my wallet. Then, starts walking to the cashier. "Don't worry, Danna, I'll be taking care of the bill and your girl"

That China girl starts to follow behind him after smacking the back of his head and shouting a, "Who says you are taking care of me!"

He turns around to give me one last sadistic smirk. "Have fun~"

"Gin-chan, have fun~" China girl waves to the perm bastard who was in too much shock to respond. The two teens leave the parlor.

 _Wait! They have my wallet!_ I twirl around about to run after them when I am suddenly jerked backward. I give my left arm another tug, but then I remembered the predicament I was in.

Gintoki's usual poker face was off, his face filled with a pathetic panic look. "Oi, Hijikata-kun! Don't you have the keys to these things!" He raises his right hand to point out the metal handcuffs which currently bind us together. They give a small clinking sound as perm head moves his arm. I grumble as I dig through my pockets, however, something is strange.

I don't feel the key.

I freeze up.

 _Sougo… he didn't…_

My blue eyes shift to meet Gintoki's own red eyes.

Seeming to have read my eyes, his face pales and mouth twitches in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me…"

I bit my lip.

"I'm afraid so…"

"Hey~ China~" My eyes slide towards the vermillion haired girl next to me who was walking beside me.

"What, sadist?" Her ocean blue eyes meet mine. I have to admit…

 _They're beautiful…_

Not that I care very much. Woman are woman—they're all the same— I mean look over there for example.

A swarm of chicks all caked up with too much makeup pass by us, giggling. I let my eyes follow them for a second before continuing on. They just giggle behind my back huddling together as they whisper stuff like, "Oh! Wasn't that guy like super hot!"

"Totally!"

"Omg! I think he looked at me!"

And they continue to giggle about the most useless things.

Then a poor homeless guy passes them. All this guy has is his sunglasses, and yet he won't let go of them. As soon as they pass him, they jeer at the dirty guy making him want to kill himself.

—Not that I care.

The two of us—China and I—stay silent as we continue to walk down the street.

 _Ahh—this atmosphere is getting tiring… I might as well hurry to get rid of this girl._

"Hey, China." I stop in my tracks. There came no response. _Huh?_ I turn around to where the girl should have been.

But she wasn't there.

Instead, I see her down the road looking at the arcade with focused eyes, as if she as never seen one before. I stare at her for a bit longer, and then my feet move. As I take more steps, the closer I get to her, and soon I am standing beside the china girl. I stay silent for a few seconds before opening my mouth. "Do you know how to play?"

"Huh-aru?" She quickly turns to look at me, her eyes big.

I give a silent chuckle, "So you don't…" I also turn to look at her as a smirk spread across my face. "—Lame!"

China snaps. "I do know how to play! I'm even the Queen of Games!" She taunts, "I bet you can't even beat me!"

 _Huh? Somehow I feel excited._ "Is that a challenge?"

"Yeah, it is! I will beat you and wipe that cheeky smirk off your face!"

 _Hah! This girl isn't like those other girls._

I find another smile crawl into my lips.

 _She's way more interesting._


	4. Like Peas in a Pod, Dogs in a Pack Are

_Ahh… man. This seriously can't be happening!_

 _This is all a dream, isn't it? Yes—a dream. There is no way that something like this could actually happen in real life!_ _ **This isn't some sort of yaoi doujinshi!**_ _It must be Zura's gayness rubbing off on me or Takasugi's short height! There is just no way this could be real! Oh, why couldn't I dream of what I usually do! Like, Ketsuno Ana? Or Pachi-boy turning out to be a glasses robot? Or of Kagura eating her old baldy's hair?!_

 ** _Seriously, what is this?!_**

My hand moves forward, slightly trembling, and grabs a hold of skin—the skin of Hijikata's cheeks. I pinch down on the soft surface as hard as I can and pull it back as far as I can. Then, let go.

 **"** **OUCH!"** The black-haired man holds onto his cheek in pain.

My eyes are still wide from the shock and I can feel my body becoming cold. I slouch down to put my head in my hands, only to feel three hands touch my forehead. I let out a heavy sigh, **"So it wasn't a dream…"**

Suddenly, the third-hand punches my forehead, making me face up. "Oi! If you want to check use your own cheek!"

 _Ow… that hurts a lot…_ I rub my forehead with my free left hand, trying to massage away the pain of contact. "Now, now. Oogushi-kun!" I begin to blabber, even I don't know what I am saying. "If it weren't for you slacking off on duty then we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place! What am I even paying for you tax-robbers to do! Keep the streets safe—pfft!"

"Shut up!" to my right, my handcuff buddy was so irritated that a vein was popping from his head. His expression was hilarious—though I can't laugh in this situation, I would laugh it I was in another. "Besides it isn't my fault that I saw someone who looked like he was on a date with a high schooler—and as a proper adult and cop, I thought it was my duty to set them straight!"

I raise my hands in defense. "Oi! Oi! That was your own assumption! I was only having a father-daughter day with that brat! Plus there is no way I would go on a date with a flat-chested little girl like her! Even if I did, her baldie of a dad would come after my head!"

"Yeah, yeah." The mayora replies, not even paying attention to my rant—how rude! He sighs, as his eyebrow twitches. Then, he mumbles. "Man… I need a smoke…"

 _Huh? He smokes? Ahh—well that would definitely explain_ _ **that**_ _—_ I focus on the mobile car ashtray stuffed full of cigarettes. _—Besides I don't think that brat smokes…_

"Please don't!" I wine, "Gin-san doesn't want to suffer from second-hand smoking!"

"I can't even if I tried!" He shouts back, "Anyways, be quiet. You are distracting me from driving."

 _Oh yes, how could I forget._

Yes—currently I am stuck in the passenger seat of a police car. I sigh. You know, sitting next to the irritated tax-robber wasn't my exact idea of how to spend my break. Gin-san just wanted to have some fun! Spend some family time with Kagura, take her somewhere nice, go bother Pachi-boy, tease him about his forever virginity, and dodge his gorilla sister's cooking—wait. Could you even call that **cooking**? I let the horrid image of those sad charred eggs—black matter fill my mind.

 **Nope!** Not cooking—more like witchcraft.

Hijikata focuses on the street in front of him with his emotionless dark blue eyes. His profile was actually… quite handsome—if he wasn't scowling all the time. Honestly! His eyebrows will stay like that permanently if he doesn't stop furrowing. I laugh at the thought of his face stuck in an infinite scowl.

 _But that would definitely be a waste…_

I freeze up.

 _Huh? What did Gin-san just think now? Hahahahahahahah! No way! It must be just my mind being polluted by the thought of Otae's tamagoyaki! Yes!_ _ **Yes!**_ _There was no way I was just thinking about how I liked this stupid mayora's face! Ahahahahahahaha…ha…ha…_

 _…_

 ** _Now I'm sounding like that annoying idiot!_**

 _—_ _Yeah, Gin-san needs to really stop with all this internal monolog._

"Take this!" I roar as my hands smash the buttons fiercely. My fingers hit the machine at the speed of light! My opponent won't know what hit him—

"Huh?!" I let out a gasp. Suddenly—mid combo, my opponent starts a rare super skill-combo which knocks out my avatar. I cry out in reaction to the 'You Lose' on my screen, "Noooooo! Sadaharu #2803!" I quickly turn to glare at my opponent—the brunette teen with red-brown eyes.

He turns around to look down on me, an arrogant smile taking shape. I am so tempted to just punch him, square in the face!—but I'm a good-girl, and Gin-chan said that I shouldn't try to resolve things with violence!

"Heh~ So you were all **bark** no **bite**!" That damn brunette taunts.

I feel a vein pop out of my hand, my fist high in the air shaking in a need to just sock that smirky brat! Instead, I yell. "Who are you calling a dog, you government dog!" I cross my arms, "Besides, it was the junk's fault for being so old in the first place! My buttons were practically unpressable from how stuck they were!"

The cop examines my side of the machine and lets out an impressed voice, "Wow! China, you already managed to break the **brand new** machine!"

I quickly jump out of my chair, "S-shut up! Come on let's move on to the next game!" I make a start towards the other end of the arcade.

 _Geez… Next time I'll beat the crap out of him…_

I am fuming and stomping when something catches my eye. Suddenly, I stop and turn. Cautiously, I raise my hand and touch the glass.

 _What is this game?_

There was a box full of cute stuff animals and a metal claw-looking mechanism hung over them. One stuff animal, in particular, caught my eye—it was a plushie of a white dog. It was so cute and fluffy and looked just like a real dog. I've always wanted a dog, but Gin-chan says they are too much trouble to take care of. _Plus…_

Tears fell on the small, lifeless white body.

 _…_ _I promised to never have a pet ever again…_

 **"** **China?"** I snap out of my thought.

 _Oops! I was spacing out there!_ I start to turn when I find that the sadist was already right next to me. He peers into the machine, acting somewhat interested. "What were you looking at? The crane game?" He then tilts his head so he is looking at me. "Is there something you want?"

I blink in shock. _This guy—is he actually thinking about getting something for me!—_

"Not that I'd get it for you." The brunette finishes.

My eye twitches in irritation. _This sadist…_ "No! Come on, you were so slow earlier that you made me fall asleep while staring at the game!" I shrug off his comment and continue to move forward. "I'll definitely beat the crap out of you this time!"

I can hear his footsteps behind me before they suddenly stop. "Ahh—wait China. I need to go to the toilet." I turn around to face him with a disbelief look while he, on the other hand, was digging through the mayora's wallet. He pulls out a bill and gives it to me—of course, I accept it—it's money after all! "Here, go play with yourself for a bit." Then he runs off.

 _Heh. What a kid! He can't even hold his bladder!_

I look down at the bill in my hand and a big grin spreads across my mouth.

 _Oh well._

I hum a small tune as I look for a game to play.

Hello! Gin-san here once again! Sorry, you won't be hearing Hijikata-kun's narrations today! **Honestly**! Give me a break here, people! Why are you all so crazy about him? He is just a mayonnaise obsessive pretty boy! He already had two chapters of narration time!

 **Ahem!** Anyways, somehow, we had ended up in this handcuff mess because of Souichirou-kun! ("It's Sougo.") I don't even have a handcuff fetish! I may be a sadist, but I don't enjoy **being** the one handcuffed—especially not to this nicotine-inhaling, mayonnaise-obsessing man! Ahh, wait. Maybe it's the other way around? Yeah—especially not to this nicotine-obsessing, mayonnaise-inhaling man! Yeah, that sounds better.

So somehow or other, Hijikata-kun drove us over to police headquarters, and now we are now speed walking towards the gorilla chief's office. Everyone was staring at us. I can tell. Though they try to be discreet about it or nicotine-man who is strapped to me at the moment will kill them.

 _Oh?_ Suddenly, the leading man stops in his tracks, making me stop as quickly as I could so I didn't bump into him. I shift my eyes to the door leading to what I can presume to be Kondo's office. Hijikata put his right hand on the handle, twists it, and opens the door. Then we froze at the sight.

Hundreds— _no—_ **millions** of pictures of Pattsuan's brunette college student sister were scattered everywhere. I began to sweat, and with one look at Hijikata, I could tell he was too. He hastily slams the door close.

"Let's pretend we didn't see anything." He suggests in a panic.

"Y-yeah.." I reply. There was no way I would mention this—unless I have a death wish of 'death by gorilla'.

We avoid further talk about the gorilla stalker's office, and Hijikata bellows, "Yamazaki!"

A plain young man pops out from who knows where. _Wait, is he holding a badminton racket?_ "Yes, Vice-commander?"

"Get me the handcuff keys." Hijikata sighs, scratching his black hair with his free hand. "And while you're at it…"

"…throw away that badminton racket."

"I'm bored!" I grumble as I slouch onto the game system. _Where the heck is that guy?! How long does it take for a guy to go to the bathroom!? Well, considering how bad Gin-chan is, that guy must be the same. After all, they are both sadists._ I glance around the room again for the tenth time looking for that damn sadistic brunette.

It wasn't like I missed him or anything! Nothing like that—in fact, I despise the damn bastard. I'm only staying because he has all the money from that damn mayora's wallet! And it is my job to spend it! After all, it's revenge for having his way with Gin-chan! Hmmph!

But seriously! I've already used up the 10,000 yen he gave me—and it's so boring to just sit here doing nothing! Wait! Don't tell me that sneaky bastard left me!

"Damn that shitty sadist bastard!" I groan out loud.

 **"** **Who are you calling a 'shitty sadist bastard' you monster girl."**

My eyes widen as I jump from my seat. Right when I was about to speak, the bastard sticks something in my face, smothering me. I angrily grab what he was pushing against me, making him let go in return. I growl at the offending brunette before looking at the item.

 _Wait!_ I jump slightly in shock. It was the **same**. Yes, the same fluffy white fur, cute big black eyes, and furry plushie I saw earlier—in the crane game.

"You! This! What—" I am at a loss of words. _How did he know I wanted this?!_

The brunette gives me a shrug, "I just happen to find it on the floor. No one took it so you can have it."

 _Ehh? He found it on the floor?_ I found my eye twitching in irritation again.

"Besides," He starts again, "It fits doesn't it?" He tilts his head back to look at me with a cheeky smirk. "A dirty dog with a dirty girl."

 ** _That does it._**

 _Sorry—_ _ **no I mean not sorry**_ _—Gin-chan!_

"You shitty bastard!"


	5. First Impressions Determine How You Are

"Hey, Toshi are you free?" Kondo asks as he enters the living room. I was currently sitting on the couch, enjoying a nice cigarette with Takasugi, while Zenzou was stuck with his hemorrhoids in the bathroom.

I take out the cigarette in my mouth and crush it into the ashtray before walking to Kondo-san. "What is it, Kondo-san?"

The older man handed me a bag, and once it was transferred to me, I realized just how heavy it was. I mean it wasn't heavy enough for me to break my shoulders, but it was very much heavy. I give Kondo-san a questioning look, and he seems to have read it. "I need you to go to Katsura's shop and drop these off! It seems he forgot his designs and materials here, and he just called in asking for someone to drop it off." He explains. "Normally, I would ask Zenzou since he is fast on his feet, but seeing as he is…" There were light groans coming from the bathroom that I did not want to question. "I was thinking that Toshi could use the time to get to know Katsura!"

Well, it was true that I knew barely anything about the long-haired man, well besides his obsession with the stupidest things which includes ducks. But, I have a higher suspicion that Kondo-san just wanted me to do it instead of him so he could stalk that college girl—not that I will ever pry. I remember the chief's office and pale. _Yes, I don't_ _ **ever**_ _want to pry._

"Oh? You're going to Zura's?" Takasugi approaches the two of us, joining into the conversation. I have been hanging out with Takasugi most of the time of my stay. We are very similar, so it was easy for us to get along but the only problem with this was that he was childhood friends with Gintoki and Katsura. Katsura wasn't so much of a problem—no matter how quirky he is—but that silver perm idiot always got on my nerves!

Anyways, Takasugi looks to me. "Mind if I tag along? It's pretty boring here without those two loudmouths or you. Plus, I don't want to be stuck wth a zoo gorilla and a ninja on the toilet."

"Who are you calling zoo gorilla! I may be a gorilla but—" Kondo-san tries to argue, but is only ignored by the two of us.

"Sure, besides," I give Takasugi a little smirk. "I don't know where that guy's shop is."

He returns the smirk with his own and a chuckle. "You won't be too surprised when you see the place."

"As I was saying."

I am officially irked. Takasugi and I had just entered a store called, "JooiRevo", and the instant we entered, we were surrounded by flashy clothes—wait, correction— **costumes**. The whole shop was filled with them! Sure they were pretty well made, and quite beautiful—but what is with all these costumes! Most of the store had female costumes, with some male ones every so often, but it was definitely a store for women. _At least no one is here yet…_ I sweat at the thought of walking in here with a full house of women. They would stare at us strangely for even entering a store like this.

"Ahh—we are closed for the day!" A deep voice calls from inside the store, then a beautiful woman pops out. She was tall for a woman, but her hair was silky and long. She wore an indigo kimono with orange maple leaves decorating it. When her brown eyes caught onto Takasugi and me they widened. She must think it's weird for males to come into the shop.

Takasugi walks up to her as if it was normal, taking the heavy bag from my arms. "Yo, Zura! We brought your stuff."

 _Wait…_ I blink. _'Zura'?_ My eyes widen from shock before looking at the beautiful woman to Takasugi.

 **"** **That's Katsura?!"**

The beautiful woman takes the bag from Takasugi before hitting him. "It's not Zura. It's Zurako!" Then she—he turns to me and smiles. "Thank you Hijikata-san for bringing this over. Since you are here, why not come take a tour?"

 _A tour? Why not—it's not like there is anything to do anyways._ "Sure." I follow Katsura (It's not Katsura, it's Zurako!) and Takasugi to the inside of the store—which is usually only for staff. We pass by more costumes on the way, though these ones are more traditional clothing. "So Katsura, you make women clothing?" I inquire as we reach the staff room.

This causes the long-haired man to stop in his tracks and stare at me in bewilderment. "Huh? Women clothes? No—no—no." He laughs. " _These_ are for both men and women! This shop is for costumes, ceremonial garb, disguises, and etc.!"

Takasugi cuts in with a nonchalant tone, "Basically, it's a store for perverts, otakus, and cosplayers."

"No! They are very respectable people who want to keep their identities a secret!" Katsura shouts back at the purple haired man. _But that argument doesn't really help…_

Takasugi bites back, "And they have to keep their identities a secret? What respectable people! Plus wearing your clothes would make them stick out like a sore thumb!"

"Oh yeah! Well, they get a lot of joy from my Jooi clothes!" Katsura argues. Then, he turns to me to laugh. "You get it, 'joy' and 'Jooi'? Ahahahahahahah!"

 _It's sad that you are laughing at your own joke!_ I practically scream in my head as I feel my eye twitch.

"Oi, Zura!" an annoyingly familiar voice barges in. I turn in the direction of the voice, my eye twitching like hell. _It couldn't be…_ "How long do I need to—!"

I froze at the sight. There was curly, silver hair up in pigtails, a light pink kimono with accents of darker pink blossoms, and those dead-fish red eyes—Sakata Gintoki. He stands before me, dressed as a woman. I shouldn't be too shocked—seeing how Katsura is dressed. But, I am. Not on the fact of how he is cross-dressing—but rather on the fact that he actually can pull off looking like a pretty woman. Katsura looked slightly feminine in the first place, so I could understand him looking like a beautiful woman—but not Gintoki who looks were fairly manly.

None-the-less, the both of us stay frozen as we stare at each other in shock. Gintoki pales considerably as Takasugi breaks out laughing like crazy in the background.

Katsura is the first one to break the silence(well, second if you count Takasugi's onslaught laughter.) with an oblivious wave. "Oh! Paako! Come out and greet the guests!~"

A vein pops from the silver perm head as he storms to Katsura. He then takes the liberty of delivering a punch to the other crossdresser, and still clenching his fist he yells.

"Oh, Paako! What are you doing!?" The long-haired man cries out in a girly voice.

"What do you mean 'guests'?! Don't make this place sound like an okama bar?! Why are they here?! Huh?!" Gintoki turns to glare at Takasugi who is still going crazy in laughter. "And, Takasugi shut up!" He returns to Katsura. "And who are you calling 'Paako', 'Paako~'! You big retard!" He kicks Katsura who tries to get back up to the floor again, before turning to glare at me. He then stomps towards me with flashing, predatory eyes. He grabs me by the color of my shirt and gives me a death glare. "I didn't dress like this because I wanted to you here me!"

"I got it, I got it! Now let go!" I grab his hand and pull it off of me. "Geez."

Now, silver perm is scratching his head muttering, "Ahh—now I did it. I went and did it! I should've never have let Zura convince me…"

I gulp feeling slightly guilty for the man in front of me, whose pride was stripped from him and stomped on into pieces. I reach out to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. "Oi." He turns to me, showing his pale face. "…At least you don't look bad… I mean in the kimono…" I can feel my cheeks slightly heat up from embarrassment at what I just said, making my eyes shift to the side.

There was a pause of silence before Gintoki replies. "That doesn't make me feel any better." He deadpans.

In the background, Takasugi was still on his laughing high and Katsura was on the floor, still trying to get up.

"Ahahahah! Ahahahahaha!"

Dear God of Mayonnaise—what is happening right now? Your lost lamb is confused at how he got himself into this situation. The last I remember, I swear I have woken up like in every other morning—before my alarm rang. I got ready like usual, performed all my morning rituals before heading downstairs to make breakfast. That is when I see _it_.

What is _it_?

Well, of course, it's this crazy wavy haired brunette man who sits at the dining table while wearing sunglasses indoors and laughing.

 _Just what is so funny?_

I'm still frozen at the entrance to the kitchen/dining room, and I am so tempted to just hop back into bed like I saw nothing. But, I go against this instinct and instead make a U-turn straight to Takasugi's room.

I slam his door open and walk over to Takasugi, who is still asleep even after all the commotion. I kick him a couple of times hissing, "Oi, Takasugi! Wake up!"

The one-eyed man scrunches his eyebrows, not wanting to wake up. But, after another kick, he finally does—by grabbing my leg to stop me from kicking. He glares up at me, but after realizing that it was me, he stops and groans. "Uggh… What do you want so early in the morning, Hijikata?"

Without speaking a word, I hastily pull him up from his futon and drag him downstairs to the kitchen entrance. We stand behind the wall of the entrance where Takasugi looks at me bewildered. I just silently point inside.

"Ahahahah! Ahahahahaha!" The stranger was still laughing.

I hear a sigh from beside me and look down at Takasugi. He shakes his head before entering the dining room. "Oi." He greets the brunette stranger. "Why are you laughing? You are going to wake up the whole house."

The stranger perks up at the sight of the purple-haired man and jumps up to greet him. "Oh! Takasugi! I didn't see you there! Ahahahah! I just got home! Ahahahahaha! You know—you are as short as I last saw you!—!" Suddenly, Takasugi kicks the man on the floor and stomps on him.

"Shut up! Take off your sunglasses, they are ruining your eyesight!" Takasugi growls at the brunette. He then waves to me to come in. "Also, you are being a creep, Sakamoto. You were weirding out our new housemate." Takasugi gives the man a final kick before turning to me. "Never call me short again or I'll kill you." He then directs his speech to me. "You can go make breakfast now. I'm going to go brush up." Takasugi walks towards the exit and before crossing it, he pipes in. "Oh, and that loudmouth idiot is Sakamoto Tatsuma! Don't mind him too much—he is always weird."

After Takasugi left, I finally get to making breakfast. Today's menu is rice with fried fish and a side of miso soup. As I am preparing the meal, I can feel Sakamoto get beside me. I look over my shoulder to give him attention. "What?"

The guy laughs, "I never got to introduce myself when you were moving in! I'm Sakamoto Tatsuma, CEO of the Kaientai Group!" His tone changes to be more serious. "Nice to meet you."

 _Kaientai Group? That famous successful trading company that was built by a very young man?! So this guy created the Kaientai Group?!_ This guy may seem like an idiot, laughing all the time, but now that I can see his eyes without those stupid sunglasses, he actually looks pretty sharp. I introduce myself back. "Hijikata Toshirou, vice-commander of the police."

"Oh! A cop, huh! Ahahahah! Ahahahahaha!" Even though Sakamoto seemed so serious earlier, he reverts back to his weird laughter self. I glance at him one more time, examining the seemingly idiotic man, before sliding back to preparing breakfast.

 _Another weird guy added into the family mix._

 _This family is full of weirdos._


	6. Glasses Don't Just Float In the Sky

"Kagura-chan, hurry up or we'll be late!"

Goodo Morningu!~ This is Shimura Shinpachi reporting! I am 16 years old turning 16 in autumn, and a high school 2nd year! I am always described as "plain" or "glasses" or an "otaku", but I'm only an Otsu-chan fan! What is wrong with being an Otsu-chan fan, huh?!

Anyways, my family is really poor as we shoulder the debts of our deceased father, but we manage to get by with the help of Gin-san and Sis! Currently, I am also living with Kagura-chan who Gin-san unofficially adopted into his family since he didn't want to make her live with him in his shared house! Now, that introductions are done, let's get back to the story!

A vermillion haired girl with an ornament keeping her hair in place on each side of her head comes rushing out from inside the house, pulling me along with her as she exits my house. "Let's go Pattsuan!"

That was Kagura-chan, she is one year younger than me and my junior. She is also an extreme glutton with tremendous physical abilities! Which is why now, I am flying in the air as she runs on top speed to our school: Gintama High.

Once we reached the school gates, Kagura drops me on the ground and I grunt in pain before rising slowly as to ease the pain, though it doesn't help. Kagura-chan is extremely excited today, after all, it's her first day as a high school girl! She turns back to me with a big grin on her face, "I'm going to go find Soyo-chan, Pachi-boy! Don't get thrown into the dumpster by school bullies while I'm gone!"

I feel a vein pop from my head and I shout back at her. "I'm not going to get thrown into the dumpster! And who even does that nowadays! Honestly, I may be an otaku but it's not like that kind of event actually, happens in real life! Those are only events from manga and anime!"

Suddenly, something heavy hits my head. I rub my head and look up to see a familiar man with a silver perm and blank face—Gin-san. He picks his nose with his pinky, "What are you doing Pachi-boy? Looking for your glasses?"

I hastily get up from the ground and counter back, "What do you mean looking for my glasses?! I have them on my head right now!" I push up my glasses. "And quit emphasizing my glasses so much!"

"Who cares?" Gin-san flings the booger away. "Anyways, shouldn't you be getting to class? The bell is about to ring."

I blink for a second before reacting in an outburst. "I'm going to be late!" Then, I take off and rush to the school.

 **Dan, dun, dan, don. Don, dan, dun, don.** The bell rings, signaling the beginning of lunch. I gather my lunch box and make my way through the hallway to the stairs, then climb up until I reach the roof. When I open the door, I feel a light zephyr pass me as I face the bright blue sky. In the middle of the ground are three girls sitting together: one of them is Kagura, the other is a black-haired girl, and the last one is a green-haired girl. The girl with long, black hair is Soyo, Kagura's best friend and the daughter of a high-ranking government official. The girl with green hair tied into a bun is Tama, she is working part time at the neighborhood pub, "Snack Otose". I make my way to the three girls and sit down, bringing out the lunch I made early this morning.

"Yo, Glasses!" Kagura greets me as she is stuffing her face in her own lunch that I strained to make this morning.

Soyo gives a slight bow, "Hello, Shinpachi-sempai."

"Good afternoon, Shinpachi-san," Tama smiles at me as she eats her fried food. Tama loves fried food and other oily foods with a lot of oil, she is practically as obsessed with oil as Gin-san is with sugar! She pretty much drinks oil with how much she eats!

I greet them too, "Good afternoon." Then, I begin to eat my lunch.

As we eat, Kagura holds out her cell phone and shows the group a picture of a cute white dog plushie, if I remember correctly it is the one she brought back on the day she went out with Gin-san. _Does that mean he got it for her?_

Soyo is the first to respond with a squeal, "Aww~ It's so cute!"

Tama responds robotically, "Indeed, it is quite an adorable doll."

Kagura looks smug as she shows off her new plushies. "Isn't it! I named him Sadaharu!"

"How did you get it?" Soyo asks excitedly.

This is when Kagura's smug smile drops, and twists to irritation. I can tell from his that it wasn't Gin-san who had given her the plush. _But who could it be?_ Her eyebrow twitches probably as she remembers who had given her the doll and she even hesitates to answer.

Tama pushes her to answer. "I'm curious as well."

Kagura groans in frustration, "It was this guy…" Her ocean blue eyes shift to the side. And is that a blush I see?!

 _A guy?! What guy?! Who the heck did she meet?! Wasn't she supposed to be with Gin-san?! What exactly happened that day?!_

"Oh! Who is the guy!~" Soyo teases Kagura with a nudge of her elbow.

Tama joins in, "I had no data of you interacting with guys outside of Shinpachi-san and Gintoki-san. Please inform me of the details of this encounter."

"Well, you see… I met him when Gin-chan and I were in the parlor eating parfait. That guy walked in with Gin-chan's home mate that he had an affair with, and then since Gin-chan and the home mate guy were so into their own world, we left to the arcade—!"

 **Dan, dun, dan, don. Don, dan, dun, don.** The bell interrupts the story. Kagura stops telling it so that she can quickly clean up and head to class, and so do the rest of us.

 _What happened next, though?!_

During study hall I rush into the staff room, striding towards a certain silver-haired teacher who sat in his chair leaning back.

"Gin-san!" I confront the lazy teacher. He turns around to me, picking his nose with his pinky.

"What do you need, Shinpachi." He digs out a booger and flings it in another direction.

I peer at the teacher with determined eyes, taking a deep breath then exhaling it before starting. "Gin-san, do you know that Kagura-chan went on a date with a guy?"

"A date? Her? As if! No one would date that flat-chest monster girl." Gin-san responds his eyes as dead as ever.

I gulp. "It's true, Gin-san! She even brought home a stuffed-animal on that day and she said she got it from a guy!" I slam my hand on his desk. "And it was on the day that you two were supposed to spend some family time together on, too!"

The silver perm man blinks his red eyes, then sighs. He scratches his silver perm, scrunching his eyes, before replying. "Ahh… that day, huh." He then turns back around to his desk, shrugging me off. "Just leave her be! Leave her be! It's about time that the girl gets a boyfriend!" He mumbles something under his breath that I couldn't understand, but it was something along the line of. "Besides, I doubt she is going out with him…"

"Gin-san! You aren't taking this seriously enough!" I try to get the teacher to pay attention. "How about if that guy is trouble!"

Gin-san mumbles something again about cops before speaking loud enough so I could understand him. "Just ask her herself! It's too much trouble if you ask me!"

I grumble at how lazy this teacher can be. _What guardian?! How can he not be worried about a girl he regards as his own daughter?!_ I fume as I stomp out of the staff room and slam the door.

 _If Gin-san won't take this seriously, I will! I'll just ask her about this guy after school before I head to work!_

Thankfully, the bell had already rang for the end of school, and I am packing to quickly leave. I sprint out of the room as soon as I am all packed, grabbed my outdoor shoes from my locker, switch them for my indoor shoes, and head out the door.

As expected, Kagura-chan was already a great length ahead of me in the school yard. I smile and run up to her as I was about to call out to her. But then I stop at the familiar sound of the song, "Acchi Muite" by Swimy—Kagura's ringtone. She pulls out her cellphone, presses a button, then puts the mobile to her ear.

"Hello, Kagura speaking."

I inch closer, trying to see if I can hear the conversation.

"Ahh, yeah. Uh-huh. Sure. Yes, I know where that is aru! No, I won't get lost aru! What do you take me for, a five-year-old? … Huh?! What was that?! You want to fight bastard?! … Uh-huh! See you-aru."

 _Is she going to meet someone? Could it be that guy from before?_ I look at the time using my cell phone. _I still have a bit of time before my shift starts…_ I look up at the vermillion haired girl. _And I'm really worried for Kagura-chan… I guess I'll follow her just to see what this guy looks like._

I pull together whatever courage I have, and follow her. Making sure that I don't get caught in the process. _It kinda feels like I'm stalking her… But, I must find out who she is dating!_ I try to brush aside my doubts as I continue to follow her.

In a few minutes, we reach a large gated area, where there are many buildings inside. I look at the sign to see where we exactly were. _Wait! This is G University!_ I quickly turned my attention back to Kagura. _Don't tell me this guy is a student here?!_

We finally reach the gate entrance, where a guy with light brown haired stood against the gate. He was playing on his phone with one ear listening to music, and the girls all around the campus that pass him all giggles and ogle the man. _It couldn't be that guy, could it?_

My question is answered when Kagura waves to the guy. "Yo, sadist!"

 _'_ _Sadist'? What kind of name is that?!_

The brunette looks up from his phone, and seeing the vermillion haired girl, he puts his phone in his pocket and takes out his earbud. "Yo, China." He greets Kagura as he walks over to her.

 ** _It is him!_**

All the girls around them glare at Kagura for having contact with the handsome young man.

 _What is with this?! How did Kagura-chan get to know a gold saint level handsome guy—no a_ _ **platinum-god**_ _level!?_

I watch as Kagura and the handsome brunette chat a bit.

 _Well, there is one thing for sure…_

I pull out my cell phone and dial the number for my job. The line rambles for a bit, but when the other end picks up I spoke.

"Shimura Shinpachi is requesting time off."

 _It's my job to find out_


	7. Sleeping With Your Glasses On Only Gives

_Ahh… God, what am I doing?_

I stand behind a wall, my head slightly sticking out so I could see and my ears attentive to eavesdrop on the conversation. Okay, I know what you all are thinking.

What's this guy doing? Who the hell is he watching? Eww! What creepy glasses—stalking a couple! He must be a virgin! **Oi!** That last comment was unnecessary, wasn't it?! Take it back! Take it back for all the bespectacled men in the world!

Anyways, I am currently **not** stalking, but tailing my best friend—little sister figure. Plus, I must discover her connection with _that_ guy.

Especially if _that_ guy is a **platinum-god level** handsome college student.

And it is exactly because of that guy that I am here, behind this wall, and acting like that gorilla who stalks Sis.

Okay.

Maybe not that bad.

I shudder at the thought of the gorilla-like man named Kondo Isao. _Let's get back to Kagura-chan._ I focus on the two teenagers as they stood in the park. I had followed the pair from G Uni's entrance to the neighborhood park. I have no clue what they are going to do, but all I know is that they are really focused. Kagura-chan is staring at the brunette guy intensely as if she was glaring daggers at him. Meanwhile, the brunette was silent and holding his own against Kagura's glare. The wind blew through their hair and clothing just adding to the serious atmosphere.

No side was making a move.

And that's when the pebble drops.

At great speed, both sides were in front of each other, only a forearm's length apart. Two fists in the air and their eyes widening into a glare.

Then, their fists met.

Neither side gives and inch. I go into a little shock. _This guy—he's equally matched with Kagura-chan?!_

Both sides smirk in a bloodthirsty sort of way before charging at each other again. However, this time, both landed a blow. Kagura-chan's fist screws into the brunette's cheek but the same could be said about the brunette, as his own fist had landed on Kagura-chan's cheek. After a brief pause, they continue to fight, not only did they punch their opponent, but they also used their legs to kick and knee the other and their heads the headbutt.

I pale as I see where this is going. _They are going to kill each other!_ I run out of my safe spot and run towards the two, my arm extending. "Stop this you two!—"

 **Pow!**

I'm falling backward from the blows. Both sides had given me a good punch to my face, and now I was falling onto my back. I glance at the two as I do. Kagura-chan's ocean blue eyes were widening simultaneously to the brunette's own red-brown eyes. Suddenly, I feel my eyes getting heavy and everything is becoming dark.

 _Ahh… so tired…_

 **"** **Shinpachi!"**

When I woke up everything was pitch black.

 _Huh? Where am I? Am I dead?_ I look around me but all I see is pitch black. And that's when I heard that familiar voice.

 **"** **Oi, oi. Pachi-boy wake up."**

 _Who is calling me? Why does this voice sound so familiar?_

 **"** **Come on, hurry up and wake up Pattsuan."**

 _How do I wake up? Aren't I already awake? Actually… judging by this guy's tone of voice, I guess not…_

 **"** **We are going to eat all the food without you Glasses."**

 _Huh? More voices… and different ones at that…_

 **"** **He can't eat anyways, he is only glasses."**

 _What?! Who said I was only glasses?!_

 **"** **Oh yeah, I forgot."**

 _What do you mean you forgot?! I was never Glasses in the first place!_

 **"** **He'll wake up later anyways, after all, his Glasses aren't broken."**

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!" I jump up, now awake, and scream out. Then I freeze, confused by the sight in front of me.

There sat Gin-san, Kagura-chan, the brunette from earlier, Katsura-san, Takasugi-san, Sakamoto-san, Hattori-sensei, Kondo-san, and the last one that I can assume is Hijikata-san. Everyone was squished into the large dining table: Kondo-san, the brunette, and Hattori-sensei were sitting at one end of the table, Kagura-chan sat in between Sakamoto-san and Gin-san, Next to Gin-san is the black-haired man who is assumably Hijikata-san, and next to him is Takasugi-san and Katsura-san. There is one more space, which I assume—and hope—is for me: across from Gin-san and between Katsura-san and Hattori-sensei.

Kondo-san is the first to break the silence. "O-oh! Shinpachi-kun come over and join the table! We were just about to start eating!"

I don't really like the fact that the gorilla was inviting me, but seeing the big group I somehow felt warm inside. I smile and walk over to them, "Thank you!" I slip into my seat between Katsura-san and Hattori-sensei.

We all let out, "Itadakimasu!" before shoveling down the food. This is when it hit me that something was wrong.

"Wait!" I abruptly interrupt the dinner, everyone looks up from their bowls to me. "How did I get here?!"

Gin-san is the first to respond. "Well, you see, Pachi-boy. It all started when I passed by the park earlier…"

Next, Kagura-chan continues the story after chewing her mouthful and swallowing. "Sadist andI had just knocked you out, and he was desperately thinking of ways to get away with murder-aru!"

"You mean you were! China was mumbling about how she could beat you until no one could recognize you and then throwing you in the river!" The brunette whose name I still didn't know argues.

The two of them stand out of their seats and glare at each other from opposite ends of the table. The one who put a stop to their fighting is Gin-san, "Anyways, basically they were both plotting to assassinate you." He then pushes Kagura back into her seat and Kondo-san tries to pacify the brunette. Gin-san explains, "So that's when I come around the park and spot the three of you. Of course, I tried to save you—I rushed to you and checked your glasses."

"Why are you checking my glasses?! That makes no sense! Check my actual body!" I scream at Gin-san, but my argument is left ignored.

"Then, after seeing you were alright, I decided to take the two brats and spectacles back home. Kagura-chan and Okita-kun badgered the Gorilla to let them into dinner, so I thought might as well include you too!" Gin-san explains before ending with a sigh. He puts his hand on his forehead and shakes his head. "Honestly, Pattsuan. I had already warned you to leave her alone. She doesn't even think about romance yet, not to mention boys! That small head of hers is filled to the brim with thoughts about sukonbu and fighting. But—no—you just had to not listen to Gin-san—and now we have two brats eating all our food!" The silver perm man complains exasperated.

A laugh comes from beside me—it's Katsura-san. "Hahaha! Gintoki is just being shy! He loves more company!"

Another laugh echoed from the other end of the table—Sakamoto-san. "Yeah! Ahahaha! Ahahahahahah! Kintoki is just embarrassed that he was caught carrying you and the other two by us! Right Zura?"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" The long-haired man shouts at the other man.

"Both of you shut up, we can never eat our meals in peace with you two laughing!" Takasugi rages at his two friends.

"Yeah," Hijikata-san adds in as he grabs the mayonnaise. "You are going to ruin my appetite." Then, Hijikata-san pours out the mayonnaise over his place, coating—no the word is more like drowning—his dinner in the condiment. I can feel my stomach stir at the sight, making me feel sick.

Okita-san—I believe his name was—adds in in a monotone voice. "Hijikata-san—the sight of your eating habits makes the world lose it's appetites!"

Gin-san also adds in in that same annoying tone, "Oi, oi. Who ordered the dog food?" The brunette and silver perm sadist duo have now an alliance. An alliance which is meant to make Hijikata-san miserable. _Poor… Hijikata-san…_ That was all the compassion left in me as I see the three argue across the table.

Hattori-sensei then abruptly rises from the table and starts dashing out of the room. I look back with a confused look, but everyone at the table paid no attention to Hattori-sensei's sudden outburst, so I too brushed it off. About twenty minutes later, Hattori-sensei comes back looking extremely worn out.

I never asked the reason why.

I smile and enjoy my food, as I watched the whole group bicker and eat. I have to admit. This was one strange group, but it was a great big odd family.

Kagura-chan notices my smile, and she slides over more to Gin-san and mutters. "Wah! Gin-chan, spectacles is giving out a weird smile. Look at it! It just screams out I am an otaku virgin who will never get laid! How lame!"

Gin-san puts his hand over his mouth, poorly disguising his talking. "Shh! Don't let the Glasses hear you. We don't want to catch his otaku-virginitis!"

I can feel my vein pulse, and I can't hold back anymore. I jump out of my seat to yell at the duo. "What the heck does my smile have to do with me being a virgin huh?! What the hell is 'virginitis' huh?! Don't make my virginity sound like a disease!"

"Eek! The Spectacles is getting angry!" Gin-san fake shrieks. "Everyone run!~"

"Don't screw with me!" I scream.

Then, I feel a hand on my shoulder which makes me turn my attention to its owner. The Gorilla gives me a reassuring nod. "Now, now. Shinpachi-kun, just let them have their fun. We should have this party be lively and fun!" He then suggests. "How about you call over your sister right now? She can still join, we have a lot of food! Hahaha!"

I can feel a vein pop. "Like I would call Sis with you here, you gorilla stalker!" I brush off his hand and sit back in my seat to continue eating. From the corner of my eye, I could see a gorilla sulking in his seat, and Okita-san somewhat comforting, but at the same time teasing him.

"Oi." The abrupt deep voice of Takasugi-san rang through the air. "Are you guys drinking my Yakult?"

I hear a giant slurp from Gin-san, Katsura-san, and Sakamoto-san. Sakamoto-san is the first to reply. "Ahahaha! Ahahahahah! What are you talking about?"

Gin-san slurps in more. "Oi, oi. Don't go blaming your friends, Takasugi!" He slurps in more. "Ahh… this Yakult tastes great…" he mumbles the last sentence under his breath.

"Yeah, Takasugi! How could you!? We are your best friends!" Katsura-san takes a sip from his cup. "Mmm… I agree, this Yakult tastes good…"

"You both just confirmed that you are drinking **my** Yakult," Takasugi growls.

Gin-san is the first to react, by nudging Hijikata-san. "Hey officer, Takasugi is making false charges~ Tell him that he is wrong!"

I look at Hijikata-san, he has been very quiet even with all these people shouting around him. Huh? Wait a second… Is Hijikata-san… sweating?

Now that I look at it, Hijikata-san was sweating bullets as he drank from his cup. He answers somewhat shakily. "Y-yeah! Takasugi, you are just imagining it!"

Takasugi-san's face goes dark. "Hijikata! You traitor! You all are drinking my Yakult aren't you!"

"Ahahaha! Ahahahahah! It's out!" Sakamoto keeps laughing as he drinks more of, what I assume to be, Takasugi-san's Yakult. Takasugi starts shouting at Sakamoto-san, Gin-san, Hijikata-san, and Katsura-san; sometime during the fight, Okita-san and Kagura-chan started to fight, Kondo-san was still weeping, and Hattori-sensei was ignoring everyone while reading Jump.

I feel my eyes soften at the picture.

 _We are all like one big family…_

 **Ding, dong.** The doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" I get up from my seat and walk to the door. Putting my hand on the handle, I unlock the door and open it. "Hello, who may you—" Then I froze.

In front of the door was the devil—my sister. Her smile chills me making me shudder as I feel her ferocious killing intent. "Shin-chan. What are you doing here **without me**?"

I feel my blood run cold as I start to break out into a cold sweat.

A fist rises and punches me square in the face. I fly backward into the living room, skidding across the wooden floor.

 _Yep._

 ** _One big family._**


	8. Spying Is A Group Effort

_The world is a cruel place._

 _It's home to many beings: ugly, dirty humans, the occasional decent ones, and then there are_ _ **monsters**_ _._

 _Like this one…_

 **"** **Sougo. Hey, Sougo! Sougo? Oi~"** I stare at the opposing vermillion ahoge that keeps bounces up and down, as it's owner tries to catch my attention.

 _…_ _And me._

"Sougo~" The smiling boy sings.

I break his song. "What do you want?" Smoothing over the horrible annoyance with my own monotone voice.

I stare at the vermillion haired boy who constantly squints open his eyes.

Ocean blue.

 _It reminds me of her… Not that I really care._

"I'm bored." Kamui, my roommate continues, closing is eyes once again. "Let's go and bother Shinsuke!"

"Go by yourself."

Kamui pouts, "But that's no fun~" He then comes over to me and grabs my arm. And with his ridiculous strength, he begins to drag me out of the room. I don't resist, what's the point when you are up against someone stronger than an elephant and King Kong. Soon we arrive at the study.

Takasugi Shinsuke—he is Hijikata-san and Kondo-san's roommate, a childhood friend of Danna, and an economy professor at G Uni. He is an intimidating man with an eyepatch on his left eye and a rather malicious and evil glare from his right eye. He doesn't scare me, though—of course, if you've seen him at his home fighting over Yakult with his home mates, you would probably say the same. Kamui takes his course, since I am a criminal justice major, and Kamui is a business major. Apparently, he is studying so he can kill off his old man and take over the family company. Oh, I didn't explain it yet did I? Kamui is the heir to the Yato Co. a company that specializes in trade. It is on par with the Kaientai Group when it comes to power.

Anyways, Kamui slams the door to the study open, barging in without a thought. "Shin~su~ke~ we came to play!~"

As I expected, Takasugi was sitting by the giant window of his study while smoking. However, unlike my thoughts, he was looking at his phone. He looks up with a bored look that could rival Danna's dead fish eyes before sighing. "I don't have time to play today, Kamui." He gets up from his seat by the window and walks towards us.

"Oh? What are you so busy with?" Kamui asks innocently.

"I'm meeting someone."

 _Meeting someone?_ I watch Takasugi with sharp eyes, examining his every movement and details. Now that actually look at him, he is dressed differently. Slightly nicer and newer clothing, but very similar to his regular clothes so that one wouldn't notice.

"Are you going on a date?" I open my mouth to ask.

Takasugi doesn't even flinch. But I can tell from the look in his eye that I was spot on. He and Hijikata-san are really similar. Even down to the look in their eyes when you catch them about to go on a date. I chuckle at the thought, then return to Takasugi. "Let me guess… not the first date?"

Takasugi's emerald green eyes glare at me before he laughs. "It really isn't a date, Okita-kun. Just meeting up with a friend." He then pushes past us into the hallway. "Now if you will excuse me." He then leaves me to Kamui as he exits.

We both stand there in a moment of silence before turning to each other. I give him a smirk and he grins back to me.

"Sougo, I just thought of something fun we could do."

"That's funny, me too."

"Shinsuke is sharp. What should we do about our attire?"

 _We can't afford to get ourselves caught, but nor can we afford to waste time._

"No time, just buy something from that hat shop," I point to the shop to our left with a big sign that read "something or other costumes". " I'll keep following them." He nods and enters the shop, as I follow sneakily behind the teacher. It seems that he was meeting his girlfriend at the place rather than meeting her beforehand. I follow somewhat close behind, but not close enough to be caught. Why am I so good at stalking, you ask? It has nothing to do with our police gorilla stalker, it's just when you follow criminals around you need to pick up certain skills.

Suddenly a hat is placed onto my head, and I turn around to check who it was. It was Kamui, wearing some sort of really long headband that tied around his head and made his hair all weird. I turn back around, feel the hat on my head to identify it. A fedora. Well, it was better than nothing.

Takasugi is on the move and stops in front of a small café, then he enters it. We wait a few minutes before following in right behind. Once inside, I scan the room for the purple head and white eyepatch and spot it. Not that far away there he was, sitting in front of a woman with long black hair.

A waitress comes to greet Kamui and me, and Kamui points to wanting to sit at the booth behind Takasugi. She led the way, and we managed to sit down without being noticed by the teacher. I look at the menu, scanning through the list of items and collage of pictures. _This is all the types of food Danna would love…_

I put down the menu and gaze at Kamui. He was grinning from ear to ear while humming softly and reading the menu. I sigh before turning around so I could take a peek at our targets.

I couldn't read Takasugi's expression, but I could very well see his partner's. The woman was very beautiful. She had long black silky hair, small brown eyes that made her look mature, and smooth looking skin. Her mannerism seems to be gentle, polite, and kind. As she would giggle softly when Takasugi made a joke or told something funny. Ever so, she seems to be a rather graceful woman. But just somehow… she looked rather familiar.

Then the waitress came back to us asking for our order. The waitress was a rather young girl—probably a high school student—she wore her dress sluttily as her boobs were basically popping out and that skirt was way too short. I can just feel the disgust pool in my stomach, so I try to overcome the need to hurl by thinking. Thinking happy thoughts—yes, like Hijikata-san dying and Hijikata-san dying and Hijikata-san dying.

Kamui smiles charming the slut of a woman, "I want a caramel cappuccino." He then turns to me. "How about you, Sougo?"

"Café latte," I answer giving the woman a mischievous smirk, making her swoon. Hey, I don't have to like the bitch to make her my slave.

She still blushing repeats our orders. "S-so a caramel cappuccino and a café latte, yes! Is there anything else?"

"Add in a strawberry parfait." A voice intrudes on us.

I look up only to see a silver perm and red dead fish eyes—Danna. I smile up at the older man. "Welcome, Danna."

"Ahh, Souichirou-kun, don't mind me."

"It's Sougo." I deadpan.

He waves off my comment and scoots in to sit next to Kamui. "Hey, ahoge. How have you been?" He strikes a conversation with the vermillion haired boy.

Kamui just smiles at the silver perm man, answering. "Oh, just swell! I take it you're finding entertainment by watching Shinsuke's date too?"

"Yep. Though unlike you two, I followed his partner." He points to the beautiful woman before calling us to lean in towards the table so he could whisper something. "It's Zura."

 _Ahh… That's why the woman looked familiar!_ I lean back after hearing that before going back to whisper with a smirk. "Apparently, this isn't their first date."

Danna smirks too at the information. Kamui then whispers. "Who is Zura?"

"Male, childhood friend," Danna whispers back with a smile. "And I'm guessing, 'boyfriend' can be added to the list."

Kamui whistles at the information. "I didn't take Shinsuke to be gay. It's quite humorous."

"Yes, just like Danna nad Hijikata-san." I pipe in teasingly.

Danna grumbles at me, "We aren't like that! Anyways…" He gives a quick look at Takasugi and Katsura before leaning into us. "Who do you think is on top?"

"Katsura is taller, but I doubt Takasugi would bottom. He is like you and Hijikata-san, too stubborn." I tease.

"OI! Quit trying to jab at me and that mayora! I already told you there was nothing between us!" Danna whispers in a dramatic way.

Kamui and I ignore him and continue. "Aww~ but I think is would be funny if Shinsuke were on the bottom. Plus Zura-san has the advantage of height!"

"Ahh, but guessing by Takasugi's type being similar to Danna, he is also a sort of sadist. So he probably is on top. Oh, but that theory doesn't really work with Danna does it."

Danna is boiling. "OI! How many times do I have to tell you there is nothing between us! And what do you mean by your theory doesn't work for me! Why are you sticking me on the bottom here!"

Danna's reactions only spark the sadist inside of me. We scoot back to our original positions when the slut waitress comes back to serve our food. Placing each of our orders carefully. As she is sliding mine, I notice a paper with the cup and look up. The slut gives me a wink as she perks her lips before walking away, and as she walked away from us she sways her butt as if to draw my attention. But, the instant I saw her start I turn back to Danna and Kamui.

Danna gives me his usual dead fish eyes with unapproved lying in them. "Ahh… geez, Okita-kun. You really shouldn't play around with low-life sluts like that. You know what they will turn into? Prostitutes who get pregnant when they are sixteen."

"Really, Sougo. You have more class than to go to her." Kamui pipes in, taking a sip from his caramel cappuccino.

I grimace at the card I had received from the slut of a waitress and quickly fling it to the other end of the table. "I don't need someone like her." I let my eyes wander to the window. Images of that vermillion hair, ocean blue eyes and angry shouting fill my mind. "Plus, I already found someone more interesting to play with. I don't need an easy rag doll like that."

A moment of silence plays between the three of us before both Kamui's and Danna's voice slurs. "Oh?~"

I feel my eyebrow twitch at their reaction.

I quickly get up from my seat and leave the table. Kamui lets out a question. "Sougo, where are you going?"

"Home," I answer as I speed away. I make sure to pass by Takasugi and tap on his table before pointing to the table I had left from discreetly. A smirk plasters itself on my lips as I hear an unmanly shriek from my original table as I leave the café.

I tilt my head up to look at the sky; cerulean and accented with white fluff.

Then, I take off the fedora and begin to walk home.


	9. Eyepatches Only Cover SoMuch of the View

"Shinsuke, I heard you went on a date with Katsura-san." Bansai looks to me as I take a drag from my cigarette.

I feel my eyebrows furrow and my eye twitch at the teal-haired man's sudden conversation starter. _How could he have found out?_ I calmly set aside my cigarette, "And who told you this?"

"Gintoki." Bansai drinks from his glass, the ice clinks when he places it back on the counter of the bar.

 _That damn Gintoki! I'm going to pay him back for this…_ "Ohh…"

"Shinsuke," Bansai begins again, "He won't get it unless you tell him straight out."

I grunt at the earphone wearing man before simply ignoring him, intaking a breath from my cigarette.

 _I know that already..._

 **Bam!**

"Little sis!~" I kick the door opposing me open and walk into the house. "Onii-chan came to play~" From the entrance, I look around the house, that's when I spot a pair of glasses floating in the air. _Wow! Floating glasses! How strange!_ I call out to it with a wave, "Hey glasses! Have you seen my annoying little sister!"

I hear a low murmur, "Geh! Kamui-san!" come from the glasses before it speaks clearly. "If you're looking for Kagura-chan, she went to Gin-san's!"

 _Oh? She went to that silver perm's house?_ "Oh, okay." I then exit the house, waving to the floating spectacles. "Bye bye, Spectacles!~"

I hum a small tune as I skip to my next destination. _I can go visit Shinsuke too~_

 **"** **PLEASE ZURA, TAKA-CHIN! HIDE ME!"** I grab ahold of the two men sitting on the couch after the ninja had unlocked the door for me to enter.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" The long haired man responds instinctively. "And what do you mean by that, Leader? Hide you from what?"

Takasugi's hand made its way to my head and begins to push me away from him. "Who are you calling Taka-chin?"

This causes me to look up and face him solely before letting go of Zura and only holding onto the purple haired man. Tears were streaming down my cheek, "PLEASE TAKA-CHINKO!"

"Again! Who is that?! Who the hell is **Taka-chinko**?! Wasn't it **Taka-chin**?!" Takasugi presses his hand harder on my forehead, trying to pry me off.

I hang on tighter, digging my hands into Takasugi's back. "PUREASE! PUREASE! THAT IDIOT OLDER BROTHER WILL BE HEAR ANY MINUTE NOW!" I plead.

This comment causes the eyepatched man to flinch. He lets out a low whisper, "Idiot older brother… you don't mean—!"

 **Ding Dong.**

I don't turn away, instead, I dig into Takasugi's shirt. I could feel him stiffen and Zura get off the couch.

 **Ding Dong.**

Zura begins to make his way to the front door.

 **Ding Dong.**

The doorbell intimidates the room.

 **Dingdongdingdongdingdongdingdongdingdong—**

Zura opens the door. "Ahh! Who may you be?"

The voice from the door sent chills down my spine, making me dig into Takasugi more to try to hide from the owner of that voice. "I'm just an older brother looking for my little sister? I heard that she was here, may I come in?"

 _How did I get myself into this mess?_

I glare at the scene in front of me.

 **"** **UNO!"** Zura announces with a shout as he slams a card into the discard pile, leaving him with only one card in hand.

Two vermillion haired brats sat around the coffee table with that long-haired idiot. The girl, Kagura, has four cards in hand, while her older brother, Kamui, has seven cards. I watch them lazily from the couch as they play their eighth game of Uno.

 _What idiots._

I blow out smoke from my drag as I lean back into the black couch. I let my eyes narrow in on him as I watch the group play their overdramatic style of Uno.

His skin is still a smooth pearly pale, and his raven hair has grown longer but is still silky. _Beautiful…_ I feel tempted to let my fingers comb through those soft locks. _His hair has grown longer again._

 ** _"_** ** _He won't get it unless you tell him straight out."_**

 **"** **Hey, Zura-san,"** Kamui's voice breaks my thoughts. I eye the squint eye boy with caution. "Did you enjoy your date last week?"

"It's not Zura-san, it's Katsura!" Zura slams down his last card. He then tilts his head in bewilderment. "And what do you mean by 'date'? I have not done anything of that sort!"

Kamui reveals his ocean blue eyes in curiosity, letting them slide to the side to meet my own eye. We hold our staring contest for a minute before he turns back to Zura. "Oh~ You don't remember? I mean the date you had with Shinsuke!"

I feel my eyebrow twitch.

"Huh? Takasugi and me?!" Katsura blinks his beautiful chestnut eyes. "No—no! That was a gathering of friends! Right, Takasugi?" He turns to me asking for my approval.

I feel my eyebrow twitch as I strain a nod. Kamui covers his mouth with his hand and trembles, trying to cover up his laughter. I feel a vein pop out.

"Ahh! But Gin-san said that you two were on a date!" Kamui gasps innocently.

Katsura gives the vermillion haired boy a bewildered look. "Gintoki did?"

"What! Zura and Taka-chin were on a date!" The energetic little sister joins into the conversation. Sh nudges Katsura with her elbow. "Oh~ Not bad Zura, you can actually get laid huh?"

"Wah! Leader!" Katsura tries to dissuade the girl. "It isn't like that at all—"

The girl ignores him and bombards the long haired man with questions. "So? How was your first date like? How did the kiss feel? Are you sure you like him? Did Taka-chinko do anything to you?! Who is on top?"

"Ahh! If you are wondering who is on top, Sougo, Gin-san, and I discussed this the other day!" Kamui inputs. "Sougo said Shinsuke would be on the top because he is a sadist! But, I still want to imagine that Shinsuke is a bottom because it would be more fun!~"

"Ohh!" Kagura nods, "I see, Taka-chinko could go either way—especially with his height and emo look." She turns to Katsura, "What do you think Zura?" she then mumbles, "By the way who is 'Sougo'?"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" Katsura jumps up to retort before sitting down and acting like he is thinking. "Hmm… well, Taka-chinko has 'chinko' in his name so most likely top…" he then mumbles, "Sougo is Okita-kun."

I can feel my vein about to explode in anger and frustration. _That's it, I can't take these fools any longer._ I stand up abruptly, causing all heads in the room to turn to me. "Oi! All of you shut up! And Zura!" I point to Katsura who jumps slightly. "Don't you realize they are talking about you? And who said you could call me 'Taka-chinko'?!"

"Aww~ Isn't Taka-chin such a dear? He is such a tsundere!~" Kagura slurs in a Gintoki way.

Kamui just continues to grin, "That's right Zura-san! Shinsuke is just a tsundere so don't let him hurt your feelings!"

"It's not Zura-san, it's Katsu— **Oww**!" Katsura's face twists as he flinches.

I quickly walk over to Zura, causing the man to tilt his head up at me. I lunge for his face, grabbing his chin with my right hand and tilting his face down. The two brats watch us intently, but I ignore their confused gazes and focus all my attention on Katsura.

With my one good eye, I stare into Katsura's chestnut eyes. "Open your mouth," I command.

"Huh?—!" Katsura parts his mouth to answer which gives me time to attack.

Bansai's words ring through my mind. _"Instead of waiting for him, you should take action, Shinsuke."_

 _Take action…_

I let myself get sucked into his beautiful eyes as I lean forward. I could feel his breath on my own face. Then I freeze to take in the wonderful sight: Katsura's expression of bewilderment. The temptation to steal a kiss is evident in my mind.

I gulp.

"Takasugi…?" I can feel him breathe out my name, his breath warm against my skin.

Then I did it.

I stuck my thumb in his open mouth, pinched his cheeks to keep his lips parted.

"Stick out your tongue, Zura." I deadpan in all seriousness.

Zura does just that as he retorts, "It'chu not Tzura! It'chu Katchura!"

I use my hand to tilt his head down slightly so I could get a better view of the inside of his mouth.

"Hmmm…" I stop pinching his poor cheek, "It looks like you are bleeding, Zura. You should go wash it out with hydrogen peroxide and get a cold compress for it." I let go of his chin and get up to walk back to the couch and sit down.

"Ah—Ahh… I'll do that." Katsura gets up and makes his way to the kitchen.

Once Katsura had left the room, the vermillion haired siblings plop themselves next to me on the couch. Kagura gives me a sly fox expression, "So~ Taka-chin~ has the hots for Zura~" she sings. I find myself becoming irritated once again as I ignore the girl.

Next one to tease is Kamui. "Wow! It's just like Gin-san said!" I catch him stealing a glance at me, "Shinsuke really is gay for Zura-san."

 _Ignore them… and kill Gintoki later._

"Gin-chan said that?" the little sister asks her older brother.

"Mmhm!" Kamui nods. "He also said that it has been one-sided love since Shinsuke was a hormonal preteen in junior high!"

 _I take that back. I won't kill Gintoki—I'll be sure to set him up with Hijikata's mayonnaise._

"Oh, I see…" Kagura takes in the knowledge. She then pats my shoulder as if she is trying to comfort me. "Poor Taka-chinko… it must be hard on you to try to get your love through to that egg-headed idiot."

I can't help but glare at the two nuisances, as they throw their pity at me. But, no words make it into my mouth, and in the end I sigh. I turn away from the two siblings who keep a lively conversation on the side of me, discussing about how they could get through to Katsura and about my height and emo-look.

Katsura emerges from the kitchen, a smile across his face. The two siblings run up to him for the refreshments in his hands.

I let my eye wander over the slim long-haired man's figure.

 ** _Yeah…_**

 ** _Poor me._**


	10. You Must Always Make Sure To Pay Back

**"** **Oi! Wake up!"**

 _Mmmn… Five more minutes…_

 **"** **Permhead wake up! Oi!"**

 _Shut up. I said five more minutes…_

 **"** **OI! Is your perm getting to your brain or something? Can you not hear me through that perm of yours?!"**

 _Okay! That crosses the line! No one gets away with insulting my perm like that! Who the heck is this bastard anyways—he thinks he can insult my perm!_

I jump up with my eyes snapping open. The first thing I do is furrow my eyebrows and glare at the person who dares wake me up. Serious dark blue-grey eyes come into view along with straight back locks. Ahh—it's Hijikata. _But why?_

I squint one eye in puzzlement, "Oi, oi." I scratch my head with my left hand. "What are you doing in my bed, Oogushi-kun?"

Hijikata's eyebrows are furrowed when it twitches. "What are you talking about? You are the one in **my** bed! And stop calling me Oogushi-kun!"

 _Huh._ I blink before examining the bed and the room. It was true. The room—the bed were completely foreign to me. The bed may be a futon, but the pillow felt less plush than my own and the blanket was not my light blue one, but a dark indigo one. The ceiling may seem to be the same as my room, but the closet wasn't in the same place as mine, and the room was furnished with dark brown wooden furniture.

I jerk up my right arm to stretch, but something restrains me.

 **Clink!**

 _Oi, oi. You've got to be kidding me._

My eyes widen in shock as my eyes slowly slide down to see _it_. Yes— _it._ It as in **pink furry** ** _handcuffs_** _._

I find myself blinking once again, my mouth agape as I move my gaze from the opposing pink handcuffs and Mayora's unamused face. "This…" I lift my right arm to have the handcuffs jingle. "… wouldn't happen to be one of your hobbies would it…?"

Mayora's face distorts. "You're the sadist. I thought it would be yours." He sighs and scratches his hair. "Man… I want to take a shower…"

"Oi! Oi! You aren't taking a shower as long as I'm strapped to you! Cough up the key you tax robber!"

Hijikata glares at the crude pink bond. "I would if I had it, but I don't." he raises an eyebrow at me. "Do you remember how we even got stuck in this situation in the first place?"

I shut my eyes and furrow my eyebrows, thinking hard. _What did happen…?_

 _Let's see… Last night I was sitting at the dining table reading Jump…_

 ** _"_** ** _Oi, Gintoki."_** _Wait a minute—who else was there…_ _ **"Do you want some Yakult?"**_

 _That's right! The one there at that time was Takasugi! Don't tell me he—!_

 ** _That damn gay emo shortie!_**

My eyes and mouth twitch in annoyance. I let out an exasperated sigh and rest my head on my left hand. "It was that damn gay emo shortie, Takasugi! He must have put something in that Yakult! Aagh! I should have known something was up when he offered me his Yakult!"

"Now that I think about it… Last night Takasugi gave me some Yakult…" Hijikata suddenly stands up, pulling Gintoki up with him. "Come on, let's get him to take these damn things off." He strides to the door, dragging me along as we make our way across the hall to Takasugi's room.

He knocks on the door three times. "Oi! Takasugi! Open the door!" There was no response but silence. Hijikata knocks again, "Oi! Takasugi!"

Impatient to get these furry damn handcuffs off, I pound the door with my free fist. "OI! YOU SHORTIE—Open the door this instant! You hear me emo-boy!"

No one responds. I swear I can hear crickets and it's day! _Aggh! I can't take this any longer!_ I put my hand on the doorknob, twist it, and charge into the room.

I froze at the sight of the empty room as Hijikata enters. He pulls on the chain of the handcuffs, waking me from my petrification. "Let's search for the key." He suggests.

I sigh, "Takasugi wouldn't leave the key in his room, he probably has already predicted all of this." I start waltzing out the door. "We should just ask Zenzou to unlock it. He probably knows how to pick locks."

The two of us trek down the stairs and rush into the first-floor hallway. I ran straight to the bathroom door and began knocking on it, screaming."Oi! Hemorrhoids! Get out of the bathroom!"

From beside me, Hijikata shouts at the door. "Zenzou! We need your help!"

Again, there was no response. That is until we heard a sudden shout from inside the bathroom—and the voice definitely wasn't of the sneaky ninja teacher.

 **"** **It's not 'Hemorrhoids' or 'Zenzou'! It's—"** the door slams open, **"Katsura!—"** Out from the stall which usually holds Zenzou, comes the long-haired freak.

My face pales as I feel my mouth drop agape. Then, a vein pops. I kick the long-haired freak down and continue to stomp on the idiot. "WHY IS IT YOU?!"

"Ahh—well I got a sudden urge of the runs so I rushed to the nearest bathroom. Tehe!~" Zura taps his head lightly as if trying to act cute, but was only succeeding in acting gross.

Mayora and I sigh in exhaustion. Hijikata buries his head into his right hand. "Damn it! Why wasn't it at least someone useful?"

 _You said it! Why did it have to be Zura of all people?! He is the most useless out of everyone we could have run into! Even the Gorilla is better than him! Wait… actually, no—he is probably better than Sakamoto though._

"Useful?" Zura blinks his chestnut eyes, tilting his head slightly in question. He then scans Hijikata and me before his eyes land on the damn annoying toy handcuffs. He gasps. "Gintoki! I never thought you would actually invest into your SM play with Hijikata-san! I must say your tastes are—"

"Oi! Oi! Stop right there!" I interject. I raise my right arm, pulling Hijikata's left arm subsequently. "It was **your boyfriend** that did this to us!"

"Eh? My boyfriend?" He tilts his head once again. "Who is that?"

 _Uughh…_ I feel myself get even more exhausted and let out a large sigh. Mayora beside me tugs down on his left arm, catching my attention. He leans over to whisper in my ear, "His boyfriend?"

I lean into him and whisper. "Our _good friend_ Takasugi." We both lean away from each other as he nods slowly.

"Anyways, Katsura, do you happen to know how to open these?" Hijikata turns to the long-haired freak raising the handcuffs on exhibit.

"Mmmmnnn…" Zura places a hand under his chin and his other hand under the elbow. He furrows his eyebrows and tilts them. Then, abruptly, he moves his hands so one fist lands on the other as if he was having a light bulb moment. "Ahh! I know someone who can unlock that!"

I blink in surprise. "You do…?"

And that is how _it_ ended up in our house… or should I say ' _he'_?

He was fairly tall—at least taller than that emo-shortie. He wore an oversized white hoodie, keeping his hood on which covers half of his face. On the hood are two big eyes with three eyelashes on each and a yellow duck beak, forming a face. There is a big pocket at the bottom and on the openings of it, there are yellow duck feet. From the inside of the hood, dirty blonde locks of hair dangle out freely and slightly wavy. His mouth is covered by a yellow turtleneck and his arms tucked into his sweater pocket.

 _Who the hell it this?!_

"Gintoki, Hijikata-san, meet my assistant Elizabeth." Zura motions towards the man, before turning around to motion towards us. "Elizabeth, meet Gintoki and Hijikata-san."

I find my eyes twitching as I stare straight into the eyes on the hoodie, Hijikata mirroring my expression. Suddenly, this _Elizabeth_ pulls out a white signboard. **[Hello, it is nice to meet you. I am Elizabeth.]**

 _Where the hell did he get that sign board from?! How does that even fit in there?! And what do I do now? I don't know what to say!_ I feel myself pale as cold sweat forms on the back of my neck. Hijikata is the first to react, as he reaches out his free right hand. Elizabeth takes his hand and they shake them. "I'm Hijikata." Mayora turns to me giving me an expression that reads, 'Let's just hurry and get this done with!' as he lets go of the other man's hand.

"I'm Gintoki." I introduce myself to Elizabeth.

The man nods before Zura informs him of the situation. "Can you unlock the toy for them, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth nods, then from his pocket he takes out a lock-pick kit.

 _Again, how does he fit that in there?!_

He then pulls out another signboard. **[This will be quick since it's a toy.]** Elizabeth then kneels down and gets to work on the handcuffs, and in just a few minutes, I was released from reliving that torture! The pink furry toy fell to the ground with a clatter.

I rub my right wrist soothing the skin with a smile of relief spread across my face. Hijikata did the same with a sigh. Zura laughs in the background. "Ahahaha! Aren't you glad that you found me now! Ahaha!" He turns to his assistant. "Elizabeth here has many talents, and is the very **key** to Joui! Ahahaha!" _Wow… so corny…_ "You get it? He is the very **key** that **unlocks** —"

 _Aggh! This guy is annoying!_ I can feel my face darken, matching the blackness of my heart at the moment. Without glancing back at the other two, I know that they are just as pissed off as I am at the long-haired moron.

And that's how Zura's fate was decided.

"Hahahahahah!—Uwah!" That super annoying laugh turns into a girly shriek, as Hijikata and I begin to pick him up by the head and his legs. We then rush upstairs with the sound of Elizabeth's own thundering steps behind us. I slam the door leading to Takasugi's room open, as Hijikata shoves Zura inside and Elizabeth follows while twirling the previous bonding Mayora and me pink furry handcuffs. With a push, Zura is sprawled out on Takasugi's bed.

"Wha—!" Zura shrieks in shock.

I step aside along with Hijikata-kun, letting a clear path for Elizabeth. Elizabeth attacks, he steps forward leaning over Zura, roughly grabbing his left wrist. He pulls Zura's wrist over to the bed frame's farthest corner and straps one of the furry pink cuffs to it. Then, he binds Zura with the other cuff. Afterward, he steps back to stand among me and Hijikata-kun.

"Umm… Guys…? We're friends right…?!" Zura sweats.

My face distorts as I feel my sadist switch flip. I turn around to Elizabeth, "Oi, can you do something for me?"

The hooded man pulls out a sign board. **[What is it?]**

I couldn't help but smirk.

When I returned home I was welcomed by the sight of Gintoki and Hijikata sitting on the couch. They seemed to have escaped my little revenge plot from this morning already. They had the most creepy smiles spread on their faces as they eyed me. I feel my right eye twitch at their odd behavior, a bad feeling crawling into my skin.

"Takasugi~" Gintoki rises and sways closer to me, and with that smile, it was closer than I was comfortable with. In response, I raise an eyebrow at the silver permed man. He slings and arm over my shoulder, "You know we just **really** _loved_ that gift you gave us. Right, Hijikata-kun~" He tilts his head to the smoking man on the couch.

Hijikata tilts his head to face me, pulling out his cigarette, and blowing out his drag. " **Yeah.** It was a **bunch** of _fun_." His glare and sarcastic tone were telling me otherwise.

Gintoki continues breathing down my neck. "That's why we left you a gift!" He then slides away from me, returning to his spot beside Hijikata. "It's in your room."

 _My room…? A present…_

 _…_

 ** _Oh god._**

In and instant, I rush up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door open. I quickly scan the room, looking for the damage.

And that's when my eyes landed on the bed.

There he was, sprawled on my gray sheets. His long black hair looked shiny and silky and his chestnut eyes were wide and his lips were agape, a bit of drool was dribbling down his mouth. _Cute…_ _ **-No! No! No!**_ _You can't be thinking of this now!_

I continue to examine Katsura, my eyes sliding down his figure. Then, my eyes stop at the sight of something out of place. Yes—definitely out of place. Red lipstick was left on his pale collarbone.

 _A kiss mark?!_

I then spot the card right next to his sleeping figure. Picking it up, I read out loud. "Thanks for the good time… Elizabeth?"

In an instant of fury, I crumple the note and throw it behind me. The words haunt my mind over and over again, as I replay them. I feel my body run cold at the thoughts that filled my head, but the most chilling of all was the thought:

 ** _What is this Elizabeth to Katsura?!_**


	11. Winning With Banana Peels With Gorillas

**Sorry about the late update! BUT HERE IT IS!br /**

 **BTW just a note~br /**

 **I have started school again, and so there is no guarantee I will update soon. Plus, I am juggling this story and my other two stories, PLUS my youtube series: "Pokemon Academy: Love Wars"! Please check it out and leave a comment~**

 **These days I've been really inspired about my youtube series as I have just gotten into the 2nd arc of it! I also, want to keep updating on my stories which have demand for it. So the more comments, the more likely I will update it! However, since my youtube series is having lots of comments lately, I will most likely try to finish that first! (a lot more than one or two is what I mean)**

 **Also, I have someone who likes my Detective Conan/Magic Kaito in Pokemon series! So I want to update that soon, too. Then, there is my bleach series which someone has recently commented on after so long! xD So yeah.**

 **Sorry about ranting so much, now enjoy the chapter~**

* * *

 _My name is Kondo Isao._

 _And I am the chief of police._

"I'm just such a pitiful wreck There's no way any woman would go for me.". I sigh, dejected. "I'm just no good at all." _I'm truly pathetic. Sitting at a café ranting to the cute waitress girl who happened to be serving me._ I sigh into my hands which covers my face.

 **"** **That's not true."**

The waitress, Otae's voice rang like an angel's. "You're very manly… It's nice."

Her words were like a soothing melody, it drew me to look up at her face. She was beautiful; her hair smooth chocolate brown, her eyes strong and kind, and her skin as pale and smooth as a pearl. She was too good to be true.

"Tell me… Otae-san…" I find my voice shake, "If your boyfriend…"

"Hmm?"

"What if he was impotent?" I exhale.

I let my eyes watch as she smiles and closes her eyes. "I would love him, impotence and all."

 _She's so calm. Accepting everything… almost like Buddha!_

"P-" She turns to look at me,

"-P-" She tilts her head, cutely.

 **"** **-PLEASE MARRY ME!"**

 _That's what happened two weeks ago._

"So that's what happened, Gin-san!" I slam my hands onto the table of the restaurant. "Please do something about your housemate!"

Gin-san picks his ear, "Oi, oi. What do you mean, 'do something'? If you want to do something—" he gets up twirls around and points up in the air, " **Just do it!** " He then quickly climbs back into the booth. "Don't tell someone else to deal with your problems."

"But, Gin-san! He is your housemate and friend, right? Why can't you just tell him off?!"

"Me and the Gorilla!? _Friends_? No—no, I don't know any gorillas." Gin-san waves me off. Now that I think of it, he looks kind of pale ever since I mentioned Kondo-san's stalking. "Besides! You need one gorilla to take care of another! And you already have a gorilla, so you'll be fine!" He points to Sis, "See, right here—there is a gorilla right here—!"

 **Crack!**

Sis grabs Gin-san's finger he was pointing at her and snaps it. Her aura turns deadly, "Who are you calling a gorilla, huh—!"

Gin-san quickly snatches his hand away and massages his finger in tears. He turns to Kagura who has been slurping a ramen beside him the whole time, motioning his broken finger to her. Kagura grabs the finger and pops it back into place, making Gin-san yelp. Afterwards, Gin-san blows at his finger, cradling it into his chest.

Kagura continues the conversation in Gin-san's place. "But, Anego, what's Gin-chan supposed to do? There's no telling that the gorilla will just give up with Gin-chan's talk!"

"Yeah! Plus, Gin-san doesn't want to get into your business with the Gorilla anyways!" Gin-san complains. He then narrows his dead fish eyes at Sis, "You started this, so you should end it yourself." He then walks up from his seat and leaves the restaurant.

I watch his back as he leaves, and once it was out of sight, I let my head drop on the table. I turn my head to face Sis and sigh, "Now what will we do, Sis? Gin-san was our only hope…"

"Oh, don't worry Shin-chan." A sudden burst of dark aura seeps out of Sis, a devilish smirk spread across her lips. "I have a plan."

It was afternoon when I saw _that._

I was doing my usual patrol, to make sure no one was attacking Otae-san, when she enters a small café. It was a cute café, different from the one she works at. This café was one for couples. **Couples**..

 _Otae-san is meeting up with her boyfriend?!_ _Who could that bastard be?!_

Worried for her well being, I sneak around the building and found where Otae-san was sitting. I stake out by the window, so I could watch over Otae-san like a guardian gorilla and not get caught. I observe the room carefully, looking for the fiend of a boyfriend. Then the door to the shop opens, and the little bell giggles. I narrow my eyes to the door, only for them to widen at who had come through the door.

A familiar silver curly perm, dead red fish eyes, and that irkingly familiar bored face—Sakata Gintoki strolls into the little café that holds my Otae-san. _What's he doing here?!_ Gin-san strides closer and closer to Otae-san. _Don't tell me…!_ Finally, just as I feared, he sat down across from Otae-san.

 _Why is he sitting across from Otae-san?! Don't tell me Gin-san is Otae-san's boyfriend?!_ I then felt anger boil through me. _How dare he-!_

After watching him order a parfait, I storm off back to headquarters.

 _Weird… It's really weird now that I think about it…_ I grumble as I walk home. Earlier I was at a café that Otae told me to go to—she said that she would treat me to a parfait. And of course, who was I to refuse? Those parfaits don't just eat themselves now, do they. But that's what's weird…

 _Why would Otae ever treat me to a parfait?_

 _I know that she and Shinpachi are dirt poor. Heck—they can barely get by with how much loans they have to pay back for their old man._

 _Then why…?_

I puzzle at the question, as I unlock the front door to the house, and enter. Once I entered, I kick off my shoes. Then, I stride through the living room into the dining room, only to come to a halt when something stands in front of my path—

 **—** **a gorilla**.

I blink once, then twice; yet the gorilla did not disappear from my field of vision. I scratch my head in irritation. "Oi, oi. Why is there a gorilla blocking the road?" I then shout to the other tenants, "Who brought a gorilla home?" No one responds to my question so I sigh. I try to push past the gorilla, only for it to grab my wrist and stop me. I stare at it with my dead fish eyes and he stares back with a determined glint. I sigh again before I yank my arm out of his hold and scratch my perm. "Okay, what do you want?"

Kondo-san begins to tremble, then the tremble becomes tremors, and he explodes with a harsh growl that I thought wouldn't be possible for a gorilla. "Gintoki…"

"Hnnn?"

"Wha—wha—" he stutters, before shouting. "What is your relationship with Otae-san!?"

I blink. _Otae? That gorilla woman? Oh yeah… he stalks her._ "Oi, oi." I pick my nose, "There isn't anything between me and her, okay. Gin-san is completely innocent!"

As I fling my booger away, Kondo-san flips out. "What do you mean you do _this and that and THAT!_ "

 _I didn't even say anything like that—!_

I raise my arms to show my innocence, but he just continues to push on. He digs through his pockets and pulls out something white, then throws it at me. I look down at the ground where the item lays, only to see a pair of white gloves. _Gloves…? And white ones at that… Isn't this those rich girl rituals—_

"I challenge you to a duel!" Kondo-san declares.

 _—_ _for challenging other rich girls?_

My eyebrow twitches and my mouth goes dry in disgust. "D-d-d-d-d-d-duel?! What are you going to do next? Spout 'the heart of the cards' next?! Geez, Gori-san, I didn't take you for one to want to play shadow games!" I laugh.

Kondo-san only keeps a grim serious expression on his face, showing his determination. _Uggh… he's serious…_

I exhale an exasperated sigh as I massage my temples. _How annoying…_ "Fine, fine. Let's get this over with." I wave my hand, showing a hand of cards. "What kind of duel do you want? Yugioh? GX? 5Ds? Arc-V?" I switch out the cards with every name I call, "Blue-eyes white dragon? Dark magician? Or maybe the classic Pikachu!"

"OI! What's with that last one! That wasn't even a Yugioh card!" Gori-san points at the lone Pikachu card in my hand full of Yugioh cards.

"Then how about a Gori-card?" I throw a banana at the gorilla man.

By reflex, Kondo jumps in the air to catch the banana. Hastily, he peels the banana and begins to scarf it down. "Thwis ishn't eevwen a cward!" he shouts with his chewing mouth.

 _Then, don't eat the banana, you damn gorilla._ I can't help but glare down at the hunched up figure chewing on is banana like it's his first meal. My hand ruffles my bangs in exhaustion, all I really want to do right now is sit on the couch and read Jump, and yet, I have to go past a gori-barrier.

 _I guess I have no choice._

I rub the back of my head and sigh. "Fine—I'll play your little game."

"TAKE THIS! **SECRET TECHNIQUE**! GORIIIIIILLAAAAA BUUUUUSTEEEEEEERRRRR!" Kondo turns his card on the table to show he was attacking.

"You've fallen right into my trap…" A smirk plays onto my lips as I quickly swipe up my face down cards and flip it. "Trap card! THE BANANA PEEL!"

 **"** **THE BANANA PEEL?!"** Kondo gasps.

"Yes, the Banana Peel!" I begin to explain, "With this trap card, the gorilla attacking will slip onto the banana peel and it's attack will be reflected back onto the player!" Letting myself get caught in the flow of the game, I point at the gorilla stalker in front of me. **"Now go!"**

Kondo's lifepoints hit zero. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He falls onto his knees screaming in shame.

A rage of applause fills the background as I stare at the crouched gorilla in despair. I can't help but feel cold at the image. _What the heck did I get into…?_

A hand on my shoulder wakes me up from my distant thoughts. Hastily, I turn to face the intruder of my space only to be met with equally cold dark blue eyes.

Hijikata stares at me before motioning towards the weeping gorilla. He scrunches his eyebrows and squints an eye at my bored poker face. "What the hell is this about?"

My throat is dry as I try to wrap my head around the question. A gulp before I actually answer, "I—"

My eyes shift to the gorilla and the scattered gori-cards on the floor.

"—I'm not sure, myself."

The two of us stood there staring at the hopeless gorilla.

 _It has been a day since my defeat from Gintoki—_

 _—_ _And I am back to guarding the ever beautiful and majestic Otae-san._

 _I mean—I am patrolling! Yes—patrolling! Don't get the wrong idea about it! I am only being a good guardian gorilla and am watching over her from a far!_

I lift my head for another glance at Otae-san's beauty, but no one was there.

 _Huh?! Where'd Otae-san go?!_

I quickly jump up to start my search for Otae-san. **Crackle.** I hear a cracking of knuckles behind me. Instinctively, I turn to the sound. And there she was—Otae-san in her god-like beauty!

 _Huh? Is it my imagination or are those devil wings… and horns?!_

"I told you—you're—BEING…" Otae-san's fist comes at me in a shocking speed, connecting with my chin, and sending me flying. " **ANNOYING**!"

 _My name is Kondo Isao._

 _And I am the chief of police and—_

Tears of pain and joy flow out of my eyes as I collapse on the streets—

—chin throbbing from hard love.

 _—_ _a Gorilla Stalker._

* * *

 **So how was it? Did you love the gorilla-ness? Sorry, I used too many gorilla jokes, huh. Well, anyways, you know the drill? Please leave a comment before you leave!~**

 **P.S. I will post the picture with time, but I need to finish my homework so can't right now :(**


	12. You Can't Watch Sakura Without Glasses

**Sorry for the REALLY late update! I had almost all this chapter written out for a while now, but I was struggling with the ending! ANYWAYS ENJOY!**

* * *

Pink cascading petals flutter in the wind as the birds chirp a song of spring. I stared absent-mindedly at the sakura tree above me with only one thing in mind.

 _Ahh—I want a parfait._

—That was the spring of my sixteenth—

…

—actually isn't that **right now**?!

Kagura, gorilla-woman, glasses and I are sitting on a pastel red blanket watching as the sakura petals fall in their full bloom state. _Isn't this peaceful…_ —is what most people would think at this moment, but no—it was only calm before the storm.

"Gin-chan! I'm hungry!" Kagura complains as she pulls on my shirt.

I could **feel** it.

"Oh Kagura-chan! Why didn't you tell me sooner! I packed a lunch box just for today!" Otae giggles as sparkle float around her. Then, out of no where, she pulls out a giant bentou box.

The atmosphere around us dropped, it was like winter had decided to give us this whole sakura-viewing spring weather as a joke and had just brought back the cold, as the bentou box was brought into sight. Shinpachi quickly slides towards me to whisper, "She got up early to make it."

"How did it look?" I daringly whisper back.

Shinpachi pales several colors, even turning slightly blue—EVEN HIS GLASSES WERE TURNING BLUE! He covers his mouth and turns away, "Coal mine."

 _Coal mine… COAL MINE?!_ I scurry away from Shinpachi and bore holes into the bentou box, my eyes twitching in anxiety. _I got to do something before the she-gorilla blows up the place._ "Oi! Kagura!" I quickly shout, "Why don't we go get some ramen! Shinpachi's paying!"

"Oh! Ramen?!" The orange haired China girl reacts, "Pachi-boy's paying? I'm in!" she jumps up and we are about to make a dash for it when a hand grabs our heads, and squeezes it hard.

Without even turning around I could feel that the demon had caught me. "What's the need to waste money, when you have perfectly delicious free food in front of you?" Otae's voice sounded sweet like sugar, but it caused me to shudder in cold sweat.

In the end, we end up back where we started. Anticipating the charcoal eggs, I still ask, "What did you make this time?"

Otae answers with her usual grin, "Oh silly~ Of course tamagoyaki! It's the only thing I can make!" she slaps my shoulder super hard, "Why do you always have to ask such silly question, Gin-san!"

 _Ow! That hurts a lot!_ _What is with this gorilla woman's strength?! Is she King Kong?—King Kong's wife?!—Huh! You're King Kong's wife aren't you?!_ Another slap came my way. "Ow! What was that for?!" I shriek in pain.

"For some reason, I felt like you were bad mouthing me." The brunette girl says in a passive aggressive tone. "Anyways, let's eat!" She uncovers the only thing keeping us away from her charcoal eggs—the cover. With dead eyes, the three of us stare at the contents of the bentou.

 _B—Black—_

 _—_ _Black Hole!_

 _That's no coal mine, that's a black hole!_

 _Those eggs are sucking out the life of the world!_

 _Even the sakura are shiveling in despair!_

"Come on, don't hold back!" Otae's sparkles contrast to the deafening black aura that her "masterpiece" was leaking out.

All three of us shake our heads at a mad rate, "Ahh—I think we'll pass… Kagura now!" I shout desperately.

Kagura dives down with the cap she quikly nabbed and slammed it into the bentou. She wipes her forhead with her arm and sighs, "Phew! And the world was saved by the beautiful, magical princess!"

Shinpachi and I bow down to Kagura dramatically, "All hail Princess Kagura-! No—ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!"

Kagura stands before us brimming with light and arrogance as she enjoyed our worship. Suddenly, something hits the vermillion haired girl's head, making her bend and a red bump to rise. Flames burst in seconds around the girl, leading to my own swift retreat. Furouciously she stomps around to get a good look at the culprit.

Standing about ten feet away is a giant group of guys—however, one of them stood out. With eye tinted red, a light brunette grins sadisticly as he enjoys the view—the view of an angry china girl that is. In a mocking tone, he laughs, "Well, well! Who do we have here?" He casually waltzes towards our blanket, "Yo Danna!" his tone quickly shifts to a lighter tone as he raises a lazy wave to me.

Kagura growls as she raises her fist, "Why you…!"

Ignoring the raging china girl, Okita-kun then brings his hand above his eyes and turns as if he is looking for something, "Have you seen Hijikata-san? He got lost when looking for some mayonnaise."

"Ha? Why would I know that?" I complain, "I'm not a dogsitter. Just get some mayonnaise and lure him out for all I care."

"Ahh—I didn't think of that!" Okita-kun puts his fist in his palm.

Suddenly, a familiar shout was heard, "DON'T AGREE WITH HIM, SOUGO!" Then a Hijikata appears! The black-haired man was smoking a cigarette like usual as he grabbed Okita-kun's face with his hand and squeezed it. "And who the heck gets lost when looking for mayonnaise! It's in the refridgerator!"

"Ow ow ow ow. Hijikata-san you are hurting me." Okita-kun's robotic sarcasm is ignored by Hijikata who squeezes harder.

"Go, go Mayora!" Kagura cheers in the sidelines for the mayonnaise-lover, which sounds all sweet and cute until her voice darkens and she begins to laugh maniacally, "Go and kill that bastard sadist!"

Meanwhile, in the sidelines, a gorilla is going all 'huff-puff' over another gorilla and glasses are sweating as a badminton raquet is once again swung. Yes, as what-was-his-name guy continued to strike lame swinging poses, Kondo was trying to smooch Otae while Otae was beating the poor gorilla black and blue. Shinpachi watches in shock and covered in cold sweat at the scene unfolding. And me? Well, let's say I was doing what any smart fellow would do.

"Oi! Oogushi-kun! I want seconds!" I hold up an empty bento box to the heavy smoker.

I was eating edible food.

The black haired man wrinkled his brows and I noticed a vein bursting from his face. He let's go of the brunette sadist, who after escaping his hold goes to bother Kagura, and turns to me. "You…" Hijikata growls in frustration, "What do you think you're eating!? Go eat your own damn food!"

"Eat my own food?! What food is there except this!" I fight back, "At least it isn't the dog food you love so much nor a weapon of destruction like that she-man makes!" Without permission, I go dive into the police dog's food supply—only to find mayonnaise.

I stare at it with dead eyes for a moment before throwing it across the park, "Go fetch!"

Hijikata cries in anger, "What do you think you're doing!?"

A hand is placed on Hijikata's trembling shoulder, and from behind him, Okita-kun pops up with a thumbs up. "Don't worry Hijikata-san, not even dogs will eat that junk. Good job Danna!"

A low growl is let loose from the smoker's mouth. "Why… you…!" Hijikata abruptly snaps, "I'm going to kill both of you!" Hijikata chases after us as the mini sadist and I laugh and tease the poor guy.

Soon enough, our commotion died down, no thanks to a pair of pathetic plain virgins. Anyways, now we are all sitting together under a giant sakura tree. It's actually seems as if it was going to be a peaceful moment for once.

 **Plop.**

That is… before I recognized a pair of red glasses that had fallen from the sky on the ground. At the sight of those horrid pair of glasses I could feel not only my face, but my body drain from its natural beautiful color.

Hastily, I stand up to escape, and speed walk away from the group.

However, right when I was about to get away, a voice stops me. "Oi, Permhead, where are you going?" Hijikata seems to be sharp today… tch.

I twirl around with a cutsey smile, "Bathroom~" I say purposefully to gross him out.

It seemed the bait worked—hook, line, and sinker. Hijikata waves me off, "Yeah, yeah. Could you buy me some smokes while you're out there?"

"Sure, sure! But I want a parfait in return!" I joke—OKAY, maybe it's not _that_ much of one—as I walk away from the group. Once I was far away enough from the group, I start dashing away to a more hidden spot.

I soon reach a clearing full of trees after breaking out a sweat. I let out a sigh as I spot bits of purple cloth. "Oi! Come out you M stalker!" I look up at the trees and shout again, "I know you're here! Just come out and surrender!"

Soon after my shout, the cherry blossom trees rustle, but there is no wind, and something drops to the ground. **SPLAT!** Following the first splat, something even heavier falls from the trees right above me, and I quickly step back to dodge the incoming weight. Then in a second, a girl with long purple hair is on the gorund before me, dirty and trembling. A high-pitch squeel comes from the purple mess of a woman, "G-g-g…" Abruptly, she jumps up and tries to hug me—no more like strangle me. "GIN-SAN!"

I force her away with my hand desperately, "Oi! Get away from me, you crazy woman!"

"Why?! Gin-san was calling for me!" She desperately claws at me as I push her away. She really doesn't know when to give up does she.

This women here in front of me is my stalker: Sarutobi Ayame. She is Zenzou's childhood friend and an ultra Masochist. She is a freelance writer who usually writes in some supposedly famous magazine, but I can never remember what it's called.

Anyways, this women is annoying! "You're annoying!" I try to keep her as far from me as possible, but she grips the wrist of the hand on her head, and begins to pull towards me by climbing my arm. I shudder at the sensation.

Maybe I should be yelling 'RAPE!' right about now…

"Gin-san~"

Uggh… she is so creepy.

Suddenly, a rustle from the grass is heard as footsteps become louder. In a second, I am wide-eyed at the intruder on the scene, and he too to me.

Hijikata dark eyes are wide and he has the weirdest expression on his face: that is probably a mixture of disgust and pity. The masochist climbing up my arm freezes and stares at the dark-haired man.

Hijikata then starts turning around, about to walk away. Desperately, I cry out, "Nooo! Hijikata-kun! Don't leave! Stay, boy! **Stay!** " I could not handle this woman any longer, I really needed reinforcements. And eventhough I hate to ask for his help out of all people's—desperate times calls for desperate measures.

—And this is one of **those** desperate times.

Awkwardly, I try to shake the women off, but to no avail. So I sigh and surrender to introducing her. "Hijikata-kun. This woman is my stalker: Sarutobi Ayame. You are lucky to not have seen her until now—but she is a regular at our place." I once again attempt to pry her off. "Partly because she is a masochist and partly since she is Zenzou's childhood friend." I mutter out, "Though he is totally useless in controlling the damn woman."

Hijikata seems speechless—probably since he still can't comprehend the situation. Must be the mayonnaise—they make his nerves less responsive. However, he lets out a shaky breath, "I'm Hijikata, Gintoki's house mate. Nice to meet you Sarutobi-san."

In turn the masochist glued to my arm seemed unresponsive. Silence filled the air with tension, which added to the suspense as she slowly turns her head towards Hijikata as she still clings to me.

A smile widens on her glasses-less face. Her smooth lips perks as she begins to respond.

It was in that moment that I remembered one more thing about her.

"Yay~ Another Gin-san~"

 _She really needs to get her eyes checked._

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please review~**  
 **Also, if you have any scenes or scenarios you want to read please comment about your suggestions! It would be a great help!**


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